Six Repair Tools For Your Marriage

Six Repair Tools For Your Marriage

Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call call emotional disengagement— meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on end.

Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other, but were unable to reach out and communicate these feelings. They were in a “cold war” with both waiting for the other to make the first move to melt the icy atmosphere.

This couple suffers a common marital malady—lack of skills to repair emotional damage done to each other. According to marital research, almost all couples fight; what often separates the "masters" of marriage from the “disasters” of marriage is the ability to repair the subsequent damage.

Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a way to recover from the mistakes they may have made. These repair skills provide a“fix” for the damage caused in attempting to communicate to each other other in a way that caused emotional hurt to one or both of them.

It is common for partners to make relationship mistakes - after all, anyone can have a bad day, be under too much stress or just use poor judgment in dealing with a situation. Rather than emotinally disengaging from each other or staying angry, try to "fix it" if you are the offender.

And if you are the receiver of the damage, your challenge is to find a way to accept your partner’s repair attempt— that is, to see your partner’s repair attempt as an effort to make things better.

REPAIR TOOL Tool #1—apologize
A simple sincere and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders for a relationship, especially if your partner sees you as a person who never admits they are wrong or at fault.

Say things like: "I’m sorry; I apologize;What I did was really stupid; I don’tknow what got into me."

REPAIR Tool #2—confide feelings.
Be honest and share the feelings that are underneath the anger such as fear, embarrassment, or insecurity. Your partner may respond to you quite differently if they see those other emotions, instead of just the anger.Confiding what is in your heart and in your mind can make a huge difference in promoting understanding, closeness, and intimacy.

Say things like: "I was really afraid for our daughter when I got so angry;I didn’t want to hurt you; I just lost my cool."

REPAIR TOOL #3—acknowledge partner’s point of view.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it; just acknowledging it can decrease tension and conflict because it shows your partner you are at least listening to them. It also demonstrates empathy—the ability to see things from their vantage point instead of only yours.

Say things like: "I can see what you mean; I never looked at it that way."

REPAIR TOOL #4—accept some ofthe responsibility for the conflict.
Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either partner. Instead, most conflicts are like a dance with both of you making moves to contribute to the problem. Inability to accept any responsibility is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.

Say things like: "I shouldn't’ have done what I did; I guess we both blew it; I can understand why you reacted to me that way."

REPAIR TOOL #5—find common ground.
Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in common rather than your differences. For instance, you might both agree that raising healthy children is a common goal even though you differ in parenting styles.

Say things like: "We seem to both have the same goal here; we don’t agree on methods but we both want the same outcome."

REPAIR TOOL #6—commit to improve behavior.
“I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it if you continually repeat the offensive behavior. Backup words with action. Show concrete evidence that you will try to change.

Say things like: "I promise to get up a half hour earlier from nowon; I’ll call if I’m going to be late; I’ll only have two drinks at the party and then stop."

BONUS : Something Old, Something New

The union of two lovers has understandably been steeped in tradition for centuries. Over time, some wonderful and interesting customs have sprung up around this important rite of passage.

One of the nicest may be the tradition of the bride's gathering "something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue." These four items each represent a special symbol, and the very act of carrying on this tradition provides a real connection with past and future brides and the people close to them at the time of the wedding.

The meaning of the item for "something old" has to do with the bride's heritage. Usually, a treasured family heirloom will be chosen, often a piece of jewelry.

Almost anything can be designated as "something new," including the bride's wedding dress. But to make it meaningful, many mothers or fathers give their marrying daughters a new piece of jewelry or another special gift, such as a brand-new Bible in which to record the family's names.

The significance of the "something borrowed" is usually interpreted to symbolize the support the bride can count on in her new life from her family. A very nice borrowed token can be as simple as a pair of lace gloves, worn by the bride's own grandmother at her wedding, especially if that lady was happily-married.

For "something blue," the hands-down favorite choice of most brides is still a blue garter or a pretty blue ribbon tied around her thigh and hidden under her wedding dress.

There is another part to the old rhyme, which is fast becoming history these days:

"And a silver sixpence in her shoe."

The sixpence symbolizes good fortune with money and a prosperous life together. One could substitute a penny.

This wonderful four-part "something" wedding tradition is often a last-minute scramble, which—far from diluting the significance of the wedding ritual—only adds to the fun and provides a lighthearted way to deal with the high emotion of the moment.

We're of the opinion that every little bit of luck helps, and it certainly couldn't hurt!