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Save Marriage Alone
Marriage is often not easy. A successful marriage takes work, dedication, sacrifice, and compromise. But in some marriages, especially when serious problems arise or a crisis hits, you may feel you are the one who has to save marriage alone. This is particularly true if you have a spouse who has emotionally checked out or who is unwilling to communicate or work on the problems.
That being said, no matter what the situation the pressure really is on you to save marriage alone. The reason for this is twofold:
1) The only person in the marriage you have the power to change is you. You simply cannot change another person, even your spouse, no matter how much you want to.
2) If you make changes you spouse will inevitably change also. The reason for this is because when you change, the relationship dynamics change. This will require your spouse to adjust in one way or the other.
If you make changes wisely and carefully, your spouse may end up making some very positive changes also, and it will no longer feel like you had to save marriage alone after all.
Whenever there is a conflict in a relationship of any kind, the best thing you can do is ask yourself how you may be contributing. Relationship problems are rarely due to just one person. For example, if your spouse is treating you badly, you must ask yourself why its happening. Maybe your spouse really is a jerk, but if this has been going on a long time, it is because you are allowing it.
Dr. Phil, who has helped thousands of people in the course of his career, has stated it very well: We teach people how to treat us. That is a powerful truth. If you need to save marriage alone you must ask yourself what things you are doing that have taught your spouse to react to you or treat you in certain ways.
If you feel you are unworthy of being treated with respect, then people are often not going to treat you with respect. Somewhere along the way you have given your spouse the message that it is okay to treat you badly. Even if you have gotten upset, told him you didnt like it, cried, or even thrown things at him, the fact that it continues to happen is because in one way or another, you are allowing it.
Now, this doesnt mean you are the cause of your spouses bad behavior in any way. He is responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for your reaction as well as your attitude. But if you desire to save marriage alone, you must begin making changes in your reaction and / or your attitude. If what youve been doing up until now hasnt worked, then to continue doing the same thing is futile. You need to do something different.
You have much more power to save marriage alone than you probably realize. By changing your attitudes, behaviors and reactions in the relationship, you will find that those changes will impact your marriage. The trick is in determining which ones will bring about the positive changes you desire. It may be that you need to seek the help of a skilled therapist to determine what changes will be the most beneficial. But there is hope, even when you must save marriage alone, as long as you are willing to make some changes first.
BONUS : Save Marriage Book
While a good save marriage book cant do all the things that working with a live therapist can, it can still provide help for couples who cant afford therapy but are unable to work through their issues on their own. Self help books are very popular, and if you are willing to do the work, they can be a very good guide for you and your spouse if your marriage is in crisis.
Go to the self help section of any bookstore and you will quickly see that there are a lot of books on the topic of marriage. You should be able to find a save marriage book which will be helpful. But there are some things you should look for in order to get a quality book that wont end up being a waste of your time and money.
Make sure the author is reputable
Look for a save marriage book written by someone who preferably has training and credentials that qualify him or her as a relationship expert. For example, look for authors who have either a masters degree or doctorate in psychology, counseling, social work, or psychiatry. While education isnt everything, someone with the appropriate training is generally a better choice than someone who has none. Usually there will be the following credentials after their name: PhD, PsyD, MD, MA or LCSW.
Also, read the book cover or anywhere in the book where it gives a little more information about the author. Of course some authors who are relationship experts are very well known and will often be excellent choices for a save marriage book. Some of the best include Barbara DeAngelis, John Gray and John Gottman to name a few. There are many more, but these individuals are all experts when it comes to marriage and relationships in general.
Choose a book which is thorough, but easy to read
There are several topics which should be included in any good save marriage book. Look through the table of contents to see what areas the author covers. Some very important areas are:
Family issues / Children
Since good communication is essential to a healthy marriage, this is a topic that definitely should be covered in a save marriage book. In fact, communication problems is often the reason many couples dont have good marriages.
Sex is a very important part of marriage, so if the book doesnt even talk about this topic, then look for a different one. When sexual needs and desires arent met in a marriage, it can lead to significant issues, including infidelity.
Family issues and children are also key topics for a save marriage book. In-laws can often be a point of contention for many couples. Also, if you have children, your marriage problems are definitely affecting them, so be sure the book covers this topic well.
Affairs tear apart many marriages, and even if that is not your issue, a marriage with problems is more vulnerable to infidelity. So be sure the book covers this topic.
Finances are one of the primary reasons for marriage problems. Disagreements about how to handle money have led many couples to divorce court. Make sure the save marriage book you are considering addresses this topic very thoroughly.
Divorce is also a crucial topic. The book should give you some questions to consider to determine whether or not divorce may be a better option for you and your spouse than staying together. While this may not be an option you want to consider, it should still be discussed in the book so you can ask the hard questions regarding this topic.
Hopefully you and your spouse will both read the save marriage book you choose and use it as a catalyst for having difficult but important conversations. But even if you have to read it alone, a truly worthwhile book on marriage will give you some valuable advice with regards to what you can do to help your marriage.