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Making Marriage Work Part 5
In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.
In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:
1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.
Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One  what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.
Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing the intent to learn - using JoanÂs and JustinÂs marriage as an example.
Part 4 described how Joan used Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage, discovering her beliefs and behavior that were causing her pain, and discovering the truth and loving action.
Now Joan moves into Step 5 Â taking the loving action. She stops nagging Justin and starts taking care of her self. Instead of always waiting for Justin to come home, she makes plans to have dinner with a few of her girlfriends. When she comes back from dinner, she is happy to see Justin and he is happy to see her. He is especially happy to see that she is happy rather than angry with him.
Joan signs up for a dance class and gets back in practicing the piano. On those evenings when she has nothing planned, she gets into reading her mystery novels, which she loves. She stops telling herself that Justin doesnÂt love her when he works a lot.
As Joan takes these loving actions in her own behalf, she moves into Step 6 of Inner Bonding - tuning in to how she is feeling. She notices that she is no longer feeling anxious, alone, and resentful. Instead, she is feeling happy and peaceful  regardless of whether or not Justin is there!
Much to JoanÂs surprise, she finds that Justin is no longer working such long hours. She sees that what her Guidance told her is true  that Justin does love her and wants to be with her, but not when she is needy and resentful. By taking care of herself, Joan has completely changed the relationship dynamic between her and Justin  without ever even speaking with Justin about it! By taking care of herself instead of making Justin responsible for her happiness and sense of worth, her fear of rejection is well on the road to being healed. As long as she was rejecting herself, she would be reactive to Justin not being there. In no longer abandoning herself, she no longer feels abandoned by Justin.
While Justin has not done the inner work to heal his fears of rejection and engulfment  which he may or may not do  his fears have lessoned due to JoanÂs loving behavior toward herself and toward him. Because his fears are no longer getting triggered by Joan, he wants to spend more time with her. In order for his fears to be healed, he would need to learn how to take loving care of himself in the face of anotherÂs anger and criticism. If he learned to practice the Inner Bonding process, he could learn how to do this, but Joan has no control over whether or not he chooses to do his inner work. As long as Joan continues to take loving care of herself, she can create her own happiness within her marriage, and not be invested in whether or not Justin opens to learning about himself.
If Justin had continued to work long hours and showed no interest in having a closer relationship with Joan, then at some point Joan might have decided to leave the relationship. But most people leave far too soon. The time to leave is after doing the inner work necessary to develop a strong inner adult capable of taking loving care of your self. If, after doing this for a good period of time, your partner is still angry, distant and unavailable, you might consider leaving.
Often, it takes just one partner to change a dysfunctional relationship system. Before deciding that your marriage can never be what you want it to be, try practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. You might be amazed at the results!
BONUS : Making Visitation Easier For The Kids
Switching between Mom's house and Dad's house can be difficult and stressful for children, but the manner that parents approach transition times can have a big impact on how children react. It is important for parents to realize that children have worries, concerns, hopes and fears about the divorce or separation, and times of visitation can often bring a lot of those concerns to the surface, especially if there is conflict between parents.
Research very clearly shows that the amount of conflict that children are exposed to before, during and after the divorce determines how well children will adjust to the divorce. If the conflict continues or gets worse during visitation times, or any other time, children are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems. Children that see parents being civil and respectful of each other are more likely to feel loved, secure and safe and are less likely to have ongoing emotional or behavioral problems.
There are some strategies that parents can use to make visitation easier for children. Remember that the more strategies you use, the more beneficial it will be to your children.
1. Speak positively about the other parent and the time that children will spend with the other parent. For example " I know that you are going to have a great weekend with your Dad because he has special plans", is much more positive than "I know you don't want to go, but the court papers say you have too". In the first sample the child is clearly hearing that you know Dad is a fun person to be with, and has spent some time planning a great weekend.
2. Have the child ready to go on time, and be on time to pick-up the child or children. If you need the children to have a particular item, make sure you tell the other parent so they can be ready, rather than scrambling around at the last minute.
3. Avoid discussing any sensitive topics during the pick-up or drop-off of the kids. Make it short and positive, and don't be tempted to discuss problems or concerns at this time. Remember that this is a tough time for the children, and parent conflict or emotional tension will just make it worse.
4. Keep basic supplies at both houses. Avoid having to pack a suitcase for the children, rather have socks, underwear, pj's, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste, brushes and other personal items at both houses. This helps children understand that they have two homes, not just one home and a place to visit.
5. Avoid using the term "visitation" or "access" with your children. This is a court term, not a child-friendly phrase. Try saying "This is your weekend to spend time with Mom" rather than "This is Mom's visitation time".
6. Let the children know that they can call you to say goodnight or just to talk. Avoid calling over to the other parent's house as this can be seen as a sign of distrust. Rather allow the kids to call you, or perhaps arrange a time that you can phone over to say goodnight if the children are too young to use the phone.
Children love to spend time with both parents, and making visitation easier on the kids is one way that parents can begin to work together in their role as coparents to the children.
Switching between Mom's house and Dad's house can be difficult and stressful for children, but the manner that parents approach transition times can have a big impact on how children react. It is important for parents to realize that children have worries, concerns, hopes and fears about the divorce or separation, and times of visitation can often bring a lot of those concerns to the surface, especially if there is conflict between parents.
Research very clearly shows that the amount of conflict that children are exposed to before, during and after the divorce determines how well children will adjust to the divorce. If the conflict continues or gets worse during visitation times, or any other time, children are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems. Children that see parents being civil and respectful of each other are more likely to feel loved, secure and safe and are less likely to have ongoing emotional or behavioral problems.
There are some strategies that parents can use to make visitation easier for children. Remember that the more strategies you use, the more beneficial it will be to your children.
1. Speak positively about the other parent and the time that children will spend with the other parent. For example " I know that you are going to have a great weekend with your Dad because he has special plans", is much more positive than "I know you don't want to go, but the court papers say you have too". In the first sample the child is clearly hearing that you know Dad is a fun person to be with, and has spent some time planning a great weekend.
2. Have the child ready to go on time, and be on time to pick-up the child or children. If you need the children to have a particular item, make sure you tell the other parent so they can be ready, rather than scrambling around at the last minute.
3. Avoid discussing any sensitive topics during the pick-up or drop-off of the kids. Make it short and positive, and don't be tempted to discuss problems or concerns at this time. Remember that this is a tough time for the children, and parent conflict or emotional tension will just make it worse.
4. Keep basic supplies at both houses. Avoid having to pack a suitcase for the children, rather have socks, underwear, pj's, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste, brushes and other personal items at both houses. This helps children understand that they have two homes, not just one home and a place to visit.
5. Avoid using the term "visitation" or "access" with your children. This is a court term, not a child-friendly phrase. Try saying "This is your weekend to spend time with Mom" rather than "This is Mom's visitation time".
6. Let the children know that they can call you to say goodnight or just to talk. Avoid calling over to the other parent's house as this can be seen as a sign of distrust. Rather allow the kids to call you, or perhaps arrange a time that you can phone over to say goodnight if the children are too young to use the phone.
Children love to spend time with both parents, and making visitation easier on the kids is one way that parents can begin to work together in their role as coparents to the children.
