Making Marriage Work Part 4

Making Marriage Work, Part 4

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing the intent to learn - using Joan’s and Justin’s marriage as an example.

Part 4 continues with Joan and Justin, describing how Joan uses Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage.

In Step 3 of Inner Bonding, Joan investigates her beliefs and behavior that is causing her pain. From a place within of compassion and curiosity, Joan dialogues with her feelings of anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. Imagining that she is a loving parent speaking with a hurting child, Joan asks her Inner Child questions:

Loving Adult Joan: Little Joanie, what am I thinking or doing that is causing you so much pain?

Inner Child Joanie: You keep telling me that Justin doesn’t love me anymore. You are scaring me so much. Whenever Justin works a lot, you tell me that he is working because he doesn’t love me anymore - that if he loved me, he would spend more time with me. You just keep telling me that there must be something wrong with me because Justin works a lot.

Now Joan moves into Step 4 – Dialoguing with her Higher Power/Higher Self. Joan imagines her personal concept of Spirit – God, Goddess, her own Higher Self, an inner mentor or teacher, or a spiritual guide.

Joan asks her Guidance: What is the truth about the belief that if Justin works late, he doesn’t love me?

Joan relaxes and opens, moving out of her thinking mind and allowing the information to come through her from her Guidance. This Guidance is always here for us and we can access the information when we are open to learning about the truth and about loving action toward ourselves. It takes some time, but eventually Joan receives the following information:

Higher Guidance: Sometimes Justin works late because he has a lot of work to do and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes he works late because he is afraid of your blaming and nagging. He loves you, but he doesn’t always feel loved by you, and his way of dealing with feeling unloved by you is to stay away.

One way we know what is true and what is a lie is how it makes us feel. When Joan tells herself that Justin doesn’t love her, she feels alone and afraid. When she tells herself the above truth, she feels clear and peaceful.

Joan asks her Guidance: What are the loving actions toward myself? What actions would be in my highest good?

Higher Guidance: Instead of focusing on what Justin is doing and how much time he is spending with you, focus on what would be fun for you to do when he is late. His being late gives you a chance to catch up with your friends, to read, and to do the creative things you enjoy doing. You can also take the dance class you have wanted to take. You will feel much better when you just take care of yourself instead of making Justin responsible for you. He will want to spend more time with you when he sees you happy than when you are always unhappy and complaining.

In the final section of this series, we will see what happens with Joan as she moves through Steps 5 and 6 of Inner Bonding.

BONUS : Making Marriage Work, Part 5

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:
1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing the intent to learn - using Joan’s and Justin’s marriage as an example.

Part 4 described how Joan used Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage, discovering her beliefs and behavior that were causing her pain, and discovering the truth and loving action.

Now Joan moves into Step 5 – taking the loving action. She stops nagging Justin and starts taking care of her self. Instead of always waiting for Justin to come home, she makes plans to have dinner with a few of her girlfriends. When she comes back from dinner, she is happy to see Justin and he is happy to see her. He is especially happy to see that she is happy rather than angry with him.

Joan signs up for a dance class and gets back in practicing the piano. On those evenings when she has nothing planned, she gets into reading her mystery novels, which she loves. She stops telling herself that Justin doesn’t love her when he works a lot.

As Joan takes these loving actions in her own behalf, she moves into Step 6 of Inner Bonding - tuning in to how she is feeling. She notices that she is no longer feeling anxious, alone, and resentful. Instead, she is feeling happy and peaceful – regardless of whether or not Justin is there!

Much to Joan’s surprise, she finds that Justin is no longer working such long hours. She sees that what her Guidance told her is true – that Justin does love her and wants to be with her, but not when she is needy and resentful. By taking care of herself, Joan has completely changed the relationship dynamic between her and Justin – without ever even speaking with Justin about it! By taking care of herself instead of making Justin responsible for her happiness and sense of worth, her fear of rejection is well on the road to being healed. As long as she was rejecting herself, she would be reactive to Justin not being there. In no longer abandoning herself, she no longer feels abandoned by Justin.

While Justin has not done the inner work to heal his fears of rejection and engulfment – which he may or may not do – his fears have lessoned due to Joan’s loving behavior toward herself and toward him. Because his fears are no longer getting triggered by Joan, he wants to spend more time with her. In order for his fears to be healed, he would need to learn how to take loving care of himself in the face of another’s anger and criticism. If he learned to practice the Inner Bonding process, he could learn how to do this, but Joan has no control over whether or not he chooses to do his inner work. As long as Joan continues to take loving care of herself, she can create her own happiness within her marriage, and not be invested in whether or not Justin opens to learning about himself.

If Justin had continued to work long hours and showed no interest in having a closer relationship with Joan, then at some point Joan might have decided to leave the relationship. But most people leave far too soon. The time to leave is after doing the inner work necessary to develop a strong inner adult capable of taking loving care of your self. If, after doing this for a good period of time, your partner is still angry, distant and unavailable, you might consider leaving.

Often, it takes just one partner to change a dysfunctional relationship system. Before deciding that your marriage can never be what you want it to be, try practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. You might be amazed at the results!