Making Marriage Work Part 3

Making Marriage Work, Part 3

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

We will now move on to Step Two: Choosing the intent to learn.

In Step Two, you open to learning about the your thoughts, beliefs and behavior that are causing your pain. You let go of believing that it is your partner who is causing your pain and you are willing to take full, 100% responsibility for your feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, numbness, guilt, shame, aloneness or depression. In Step Two, you open to your Higher Self so that you can compassionately embrace your painful feelings and learn about what you may be doing to cause them.

For example, Joan feels angry, alone, rejected and abandoned because Justin spends a lot of time at work. Joan has been nagging Justin, judging him for his long hours and blaming him for her feelings. The result of this is that Justin has gotten even busier. He is obviously going into resistance, not wanting to be controlled by Joan.

Joan is using her anger and blame to avoid feeling her pain. She is addicted to having her eyes on Justin and making him responsible for her feelings. When he spends time with her, she feels happy and worthy, and when he doesn’t she feels anxious and insecure.

If Joan were to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, she would start with Step One - welcoming and compassionately embracing her anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. She would be with these feelings just as a loving parent would be with a hurting child – with deep kindness and compassion toward herself.

Then, instead of going into her usual protective, controlling behavior of blaming Justin for her feelings with her anger, nagging and complaining, she would move to Step Two, opening her heart to learning about what she might be telling herself and how she might be treating herself that is actually causing her own pain. She would open to her older, wiser inner self, her Higher Self, to help her stay open to learning. She would choose to be curious about her own beliefs and behavior, rather than judgmental toward Justin or herself.

When Joan moves into Step Two, she is moving out of being a victim and into personal responsibility. This intent shift will immediately begin to change the interactions between Joan and Justin. When Joan shifts her intention from trying to control Justin with her anger, blame and complaints to learning about herself, her energy will completely shift. Justin will actually feel this energy shift, even if he is not in the same room as Joan. Energy is not local. We all unconsciously pick up when others are angry with us and when they are accepting and loving.

This intention shift is vital for healing a troubled relationship. As long as your eyes are on your partner and you are trying to get your partner to change to make you feel better, you will continue to have a dysfunctional relationship. At those times when you are willing to feeling your feelings and open to learning about how you are causing them, you will notice that your relationship quickly improves.

The shift out of trying to control your partner and into learning about loving yourself is one of the most major shifts you can make in your relationship.

In Parts 4 and 5, I will continue through the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, showing you how Joan uses these powerful Steps to heal her relationship with Justin.

BONUS : Making Marriage Work, Part 4

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing the intent to learn - using Joan’s and Justin’s marriage as an example.

Part 4 continues with Joan and Justin, describing how Joan uses Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage.

In Step 3 of Inner Bonding, Joan investigates her beliefs and behavior that is causing her pain. From a place within of compassion and curiosity, Joan dialogues with her feelings of anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. Imagining that she is a loving parent speaking with a hurting child, Joan asks her Inner Child questions:

Loving Adult Joan: Little Joanie, what am I thinking or doing that is causing you so much pain?

Inner Child Joanie: You keep telling me that Justin doesn’t love me anymore. You are scaring me so much. Whenever Justin works a lot, you tell me that he is working because he doesn’t love me anymore - that if he loved me, he would spend more time with me. You just keep telling me that there must be something wrong with me because Justin works a lot.

Now Joan moves into Step 4 – Dialoguing with her Higher Power/Higher Self. Joan imagines her personal concept of Spirit – God, Goddess, her own Higher Self, an inner mentor or teacher, or a spiritual guide.

Joan asks her Guidance: What is the truth about the belief that if Justin works late, he doesn’t love me?

Joan relaxes and opens, moving out of her thinking mind and allowing the information to come through her from her Guidance. This Guidance is always here for us and we can access the information when we are open to learning about the truth and about loving action toward ourselves. It takes some time, but eventually Joan receives the following information:

Higher Guidance: Sometimes Justin works late because he has a lot of work to do and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes he works late because he is afraid of your blaming and nagging. He loves you, but he doesn’t always feel loved by you, and his way of dealing with feeling unloved by you is to stay away.

One way we know what is true and what is a lie is how it makes us feel. When Joan tells herself that Justin doesn’t love her, she feels alone and afraid. When she tells herself the above truth, she feels clear and peaceful.

Joan asks her Guidance: What are the loving actions toward myself? What actions would be in my highest good?

Higher Guidance: Instead of focusing on what Justin is doing and how much time he is spending with you, focus on what would be fun for you to do when he is late. His being late gives you a chance to catch up with your friends, to read, and to do the creative things you enjoy doing. You can also take the dance class you have wanted to take. You will feel much better when you just take care of yourself instead of making Justin responsible for you. He will want to spend more time with you when he sees you happy than when you are always unhappy and complaining.

In the final section of this series, we will see what happens with Joan as she moves through Steps 5 and 6 of Inner Bonding.