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Help My Husband S Buddies Are Butting Into My Marriage
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Ask the Marriage Maven: Help! My Husband's Buddies are Butting into My Marriage
Q. My husband always wants to hang out with his boys. He used to hang out with them a lot before we got married, and I thought that after we got married things would change and that hed want to spend more time with me. Wrong!
It would be different if they did something productive, but all they do is sit around watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music. None of them have wives or serious girlfriends, except my husband so I know they talk about other women, too.
Weve only been married a year, and I already feel like were slipping into an old married couple relationship. A lot of fussing--and not much good communication. Im afraid we wont make it past year two. What can I do to make him want to spend more time with me?
J. N.
A. It is important that you and your husband spend a good amount of time together, especially as you guys are still learning what marriage is all about. But breaking up the boys club could be disastrous to your marriage. So I would not recommend telling your husband to cut his friends off completely, unless they are encouraging him to be unfaithful to you or contributing to addictive behaviors.
I know it can be annoying if your husband seems like hed rather spend time with his buddies instead of you, but youll need to give him some rope. Whatever you do, dont nag him about his time with his friends and let it be a constant source of bickering. Be clear that you want to spend more time with him, but let your actions be positive.
Here are three positive actions you can take:
1. Encourage the boys to meet in your house. Make his friends feel welcome in your home, make snacks (if you like to cook), and give them room to do their thing.
2. Suggest regular dates with your husband. Fill his social calendar at least once or twice a week with a planned activity that you two can share together. These dates dont have to be expensive or overly involved. They can be as simple as a walk in the park or coffee at you local coffee shop. You can initiate until he feels the need to do more of the planning.
3. Another solution would be to set his friends up. I know that its a little sneaky and risky, but it can work. If theyre just two or three of them, have monthly mixers (or get-togethers) in your home with them and some of your single girlfriends. Who knows, they may hit it off, thereby freeing up some of your husbands time.
A combination of these three suggestions, will probably work best. Theyll broaden your social life and deepen your relationship with each other. I hope these ideas have been helpful. Im wishing you all the best in your marriage!
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BONUS :
Help Save My Marriage
If your spouse has done something which has left you feeling extremely betrayed or very hurt, and now your marriage is in crisis. Despite the hurt, you may be wondering to yourself, Is there anything that can help save my marriage? If you are feeling this way, you are definitely not alone. Many people struggle with that very thought every day.
In order to get your marriage back on track though, you must start with yourself. While you may very well have reason to feel angry or hurt, if you really want someone to respond to your plea to help save my marriage, you are going to have to look within. Because if you are like so many people, your reaction to your spouses behavior, whatever it was he or she did, can play a significant role in whether or not your marriage survives.
Following are three tips for what NOT to do if your marriage is in crisis and you want to save it:
Help Save My Marriage Tip 1
Dont play the victim. Its really easy to get into victim-mode when your spouse has wronged you. Perhaps he gambled away some of your savings, or slept with another woman. Serious issues, yes. But acting like a victim or getting caught up in self pity will only make matters worse. Not only will it make you even less desirable to your spouse, you will lose his respect as well as the respect of others.
Instead, make the choice to be a survivor. What that means, is that you take responsibility for how you behave and react in response to whatever it is that happened. You can change what happened, but you do have a choice in how your handle it.
Help Save My Marriage Tip 2
Dont hold onto to your anger. If you truly want the chance for your relationship to heal, you must be willing to let go of your anger and find a way to forgive. It can be difficult, no doubt, but you really need to do it for you. Often people think that forgiveness is for the other person, but it is more for the person who is forgiving. Holding onto anger not only takes an incredible amount of energy, it also keeps you stuck.
Also, when you forgive your spouse it does not mean that you forget what happened nor does it mean you are indicating in any way that his or her behavior was acceptable. What it does mean is that you are willing to move forward and get past it. When you make this choice, it takes away the power the situation had over you. You will then be free to put your energy into repairing the relationship.
Help Save My Marriage Tip 3
Dont judge and condemn your spouse. When you have been deeply hurt or betrayed in your marriage it can be easy to take on a self-righteous stance and judge your partner harshly. What you need to remember is that we are all susceptible to doing things we never imagined if we are put in the right situation. For example, you might think I would never cheat on my spouse. But many people who do have affairs also truly believed they would never do that.
If you truly want the answer to your burning question, Is there anything that can help save my marriage? you really must avoid becoming judge and jury in the relationship. You have made mistakes too and the more you can try to understand your spouses feelings and behavior rather than condemn it, the better chance you have of healing your relationship and making it stronger than ever.
Help Save My Marriage
If your spouse has done something which has left you feeling extremely betrayed or very hurt, and now your marriage is in crisis. Despite the hurt, you may be wondering to yourself, Is there anything that can help save my marriage? If you are feeling this way, you are definitely not alone. Many people struggle with that very thought every day.
In order to get your marriage back on track though, you must start with yourself. While you may very well have reason to feel angry or hurt, if you really want someone to respond to your plea to help save my marriage, you are going to have to look within. Because if you are like so many people, your reaction to your spouses behavior, whatever it was he or she did, can play a significant role in whether or not your marriage survives.
Following are three tips for what NOT to do if your marriage is in crisis and you want to save it:
Help Save My Marriage Tip 1
Dont play the victim. Its really easy to get into victim-mode when your spouse has wronged you. Perhaps he gambled away some of your savings, or slept with another woman. Serious issues, yes. But acting like a victim or getting caught up in self pity will only make matters worse. Not only will it make you even less desirable to your spouse, you will lose his respect as well as the respect of others.
Instead, make the choice to be a survivor. What that means, is that you take responsibility for how you behave and react in response to whatever it is that happened. You can change what happened, but you do have a choice in how your handle it.
Help Save My Marriage Tip 2
Dont hold onto to your anger. If you truly want the chance for your relationship to heal, you must be willing to let go of your anger and find a way to forgive. It can be difficult, no doubt, but you really need to do it for you. Often people think that forgiveness is for the other person, but it is more for the person who is forgiving. Holding onto anger not only takes an incredible amount of energy, it also keeps you stuck.
Also, when you forgive your spouse it does not mean that you forget what happened nor does it mean you are indicating in any way that his or her behavior was acceptable. What it does mean is that you are willing to move forward and get past it. When you make this choice, it takes away the power the situation had over you. You will then be free to put your energy into repairing the relationship.
Help Save My Marriage Tip 3
Dont judge and condemn your spouse. When you have been deeply hurt or betrayed in your marriage it can be easy to take on a self-righteous stance and judge your partner harshly. What you need to remember is that we are all susceptible to doing things we never imagined if we are put in the right situation. For example, you might think I would never cheat on my spouse. But many people who do have affairs also truly believed they would never do that.
If you truly want the answer to your burning question, Is there anything that can help save my marriage? you really must avoid becoming judge and jury in the relationship. You have made mistakes too and the more you can try to understand your spouses feelings and behavior rather than condemn it, the better chance you have of healing your relationship and making it stronger than ever.
