Confide For Less Anger In Your Marriage

Confide For Less Anger In Your Marriage

Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 years, and basically love each other, yet have been fighting over the same issue almost every night of those years: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose follow her and close all the windows.

Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.

—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."

Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)

IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.

In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.

Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:

(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.

(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.

For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.

CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)

Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."

Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."

Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:

FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS

Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.

Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.

Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!

Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.

BONUS : Congratulations! You're Getting Married

Now that you have shared your happy news with family and friends the fun really starts. It's time to actually start planning your wedding; wedding reception ideas, bridal bouquets, wedding favour ideas and dress ideas will be swimming around in that little loved-up head of yours!

Take a deep breath and relax because the BIG question you're already asking yourself is... "Where do I start?"

Well, the only way to successfully plan your perfect wedding is to start with your wedding reception ideas. Treat yourself to a few bridal magazines (you've always wanted to buy one and now you can with that rock on your finger!). Start looking around in haberdashery departments and put together a collection of the materials, styles and colours that appeal to you. These will provide the essential ingredients for your wedding reception ideas board or scrapbook or however you choose to present them.

Your ideas can then spiral off in a multitude of different directions as you start to consider wedding themes, wedding favour ideas, colour themes and style themes, etc. It is truly essential to set the tone of your wedding first and then everything else falls in to place. For example, if your bridal gown shop knows you are going for a traditional "ivory and gold" theme, she can then advise you on gowns to suit this theme. In addition, you can then advise your wedding favour supplier that any ideas for wedding favours must fit within this theme.

Wedding favours come in all different styles and design. They range from candle favours, chocolate favours, cd wedding favours, beach themed favours and many more. You can even personalise your favours to make them unique to your guests.

In these early days, there is no need to ask for the groom's comments - wait until you have narrowed down some ideas before you present them to him. He won't really respond to "do you like this?" and "what about this?" being thrown at him 50 times a day. It is far better to approach your groom once you have narrowed down groomsmen ideas, colour ideas, wedding reception ideas, wedding favour ideas, etc to a minimum. You will also get a more honest answer from him. Don't forget, even though ideas for wedding favours have completely taken over your life for the moment, he might not share your enthusiasm at this early stage of the preparations.

Throughout your ideas stage, you must not forget your wedding guests. Fundamentally, it is your day, however every girl wants their wedding remembered for its class and elegance. The one way that guests will treasure your wedding memories is by the giving of unique wedding favours. Second to your wedding themes and wedding reception ideas, you must consider wedding favour ideas carefully. Once your beautiful day is over and you're embarking on married life, you want your guests to look back at their favour boxes and bomboniere and reminisce!

However you plan your wonderful day, and whichever of your original wedding reception ideas and ideas for wedding favours you choose, have a special day and a magical married life thereafter!