Seven Marriage Spice Ups

Seven Marriage Spice Ups

Ask the Marriage Maven: Seven Marriage Spice Ups

Q. My marriage is getting pretty dull. My husband and I are going through a low point where everything seems to be pretty boring. What are some things that we can do to spice up our marriage?

D.M.

A. First of all know that every marriage goes through it's high and low points. You guys are just in a natural part of the cycle. With that said, here are a few suggestions to make your marriage a little more interesting.

1) Stop complaining about the state of your union. Create an action plan for change and write it down. It’s okay if you’re the only one willing to spice things up at first. In time you’ll find that your spouse will be receptive to the changes you’ve made, especially if you don’t point out your changes or nag your spouse about changing.

2) I can’t say it enough, turn off the T.V. at least 30-45 minutes a day and spend time with each other. No distractions.

3) Date each other as if you weren’t married. Dress up, wear make up, cologne/perfume. Recreate your early years. Meet each other on site and pretend as though you’re meeting for the first time—or have your partner pick you up from work or home. The whole idea is to go all out.

4) Do nice things for each other. Completing chores around the house that your spouse hates doing is a great place to start.

5) Make a point to have a “second” honeymoon at least once a year. Any time from three days to two weeks is good. Even if you can’t get away, you can make a paradise at home. Make work take a back seat, and get someone to watch the kids (and even your pets). The point is to spend your focus on each other for a few days.

6) Live each day as though it were your last. Make sure you say the things you want to say to your spouse today and do the things you want to do for your spouse today. Don’t hold back a good word or a good deed when you know it can do a wonder for your relationship.

7) Take care of yourself. This tip is probably the most important. Make sure that your spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical batteries are charged. If you need to spend some time doing a hobby, visiting with some friends, or pampering yourself, do it! So long as your “me” time is in moderation, you’ll feel a lot healthier, and your relationship will reflect it.

BONUS : Sexless Marriage

According to recent surveys in the USA, nearly 20 million couples have a sexless marriage. Relationship experts define this type of marriage as one in which the couple engages in sexual intimacy no more than ten times in a year. For some couples, that type of situation may actually suit them just fine, but for the majority, it is a problem, and a serious one at that.

Sex is a very important part of marriage, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise, is foolish. When a marriage is devoid of sexual intimacy, it can stir some challenging emotions for one or both partners. Frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, and sadness are some of those emotions. Also, a sexless marriage is particularly vulnerable to infidelity, and ultimately, divorce.

If you are living in a sexless marriage, following are some of the reasons it may be happening. If you can determine the underlying issue (assuming you don’t know what it is) then you can work towards finding a solution.

For men, there are a variety of reasons why they have either lost interest in sex itself or lost desire for their wife. Some of the most reasons why men are the ones creating a sexless marriage are:

• His wife doesn’t like to be adventurous when it comes to sex
• His wife doesn’t really enjoy having sex
• His wife doesn’t turn him on – he is no longer attracted to her
• His wife has gained a lot of weight
• He has erectile dysfunction
• He is involved in an affair
• He’s bored in the relationship

For women, some of the problems are similar, but there are often some different reasons they may be creating a sexless marriage as well:

• Her husband treats her like an object – to her, sex feels like it is all about him
• She likes more traditional sex; he wants to do things she’s not comfortable with
• Her husband has let himself go and she is no longer attracted to him
• She’s angry at her husband
• She’s depressed
• She has a difficult time reaching orgasm

There are many other reasons for both men and women, but those are just a few that are often reported.

So what are some things you can do if you have found yourself co-existing with your spouse in a sexless marriage?

First, it is imperative that you open up the lines of communication. Not talking about it is like ignoring the very large elephant in the room in most cases. Continuing to ignore it or tiptoe around it is only going to result in the two of you growing further apart over time.

Sex is a powerful way to connect with each other, but particularly for men. While women are generally more comfortable talking about their feelings and expressing love in a variety of ways, many men show love and affection via sex. If yours is a sexless marriage, that connection is likely to wane, if not disappear altogether. Talking is very important to address the issue as well as to determine the best course of action to take.

Second, as you talk, determine in what ways each of you can compromise so that the relationship is sexually satisfying to both of you. If the problem, for example, is that one of you is much more adventurous than the other, perhaps you can find some middle ground which is mutually satisfying to both of you.

Third, if anger, bitterness or resentment is resulting in a sexless marriage, you must both be willing to get to the bottom of that issue and work through it. It may be that you need a therapist to help you, but one way or the other, letting go of angry or hurt feelings is vital to getting your marriage back on track. True intimacy cannot occur when hostility is present. The sooner you can forgive and let go, the sooner you can begin to have an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.