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Love Means Appreciating The Whole Person
Liz was furious. She found herself throwing things into her pocketbook and slamming drawers. "What's his problem?" she fumed. "The rent is late again, and all he says is, 'Don't worry, it'll be okay.' I can't take it anymore! Whether the baby runs a high fever or the electric company wants to turn off the electricity because the bill was misplaced and never paid, all he can say is, 'Don't worry. It'll be fine. Calm down.' When I got married, I thought I would have someone to share my burdens with, not ignore them. Doesn't he CARE?!"
Barry was getting frustrated. "Why does every little thing I say set Michelle off crying?" he wondered. "I was just making a joke. Even my sisters never got insulted the way she does. Why does she have to be so sensitive? Almost every discussion we have about anything serious ends up with her crying, and I'm getting sick and tired of always feeling like the bad guy. This is not what I envisioned when we got married. I've had enough of this!"
Both Liz and Barry seem to have legitimate complaints. Liz's husband, Mike, just shrugs everything off, and Barry's wife Michelle overreacts to every little comment he makes. When it goes on and on, day after day, both Liz and Barry begin to feel frustrated in their marriages. And although they haven't said so - even to themselves - deep down, they are both wondering if they really married the right person.
But before letting matters go any further, both Barry and Liz would be well-advised to turn the clock back to the time when they were still single and searching. Let's do it for them, and see what we find:
Liz was always a somewhat nervous type. Throughout school, she would suffer from headaches whenever she had an exam. When her friends began to receive replies from colleges before she did, she began to call the admissions office twice a day because she was so nervous that something had happened. Liz knew that she was way too anxious about everything, but couldn't seem to control this aspect of her personality.
When Liz met Mike, she was struck by how immediately relaxed she felt in his presence. His calm, easygoing, stress-free personality set her at ease, and she found herself enjoying his company more and more. When they got engaged, she knew that with Mike at her side she would always feel secure that things would work out.
Although Barry loved his parents dearly, he knew that he wanted his home to be somewhat different than the one in which he grew up. For some reason, it always seemed that his mother was not quite in tune with his father. As Barry matured, he realized that while his mother was talented in many areas, she lacked sensitivity. As Barry started to think about marriage, he knew that this quality was high up in his list of priorities. When he met Michelle, the first quality that he noticed was her incredible sensitivity. She seemed to know just what to say to everybody at just the right time. The more Barry got to know Michelle, the more he admired that quality of hers. And when they got engaged, he knew that in Michelle he had found someone who would truly be his partner, with whom he could always share his feelings with and know that she would understand.
So what went wrong?
Nothing.
Yes, nothing. Both Liz and Barry got exactly what they wanted. But there was one small rule that no one told them about. It's a rule that could change their lives, and maybe yours, too:
When you look at a person you have to realize that both what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.
That bears repeating:
What you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.
It's a cliche but it's true: No one is perfect. Everybody has faults, and more often than not, their faults are nothing more than the flip side of their positive characteristics. That means that some people who tend to be relaxed, calm and stress-free might not be overly concerned about issues that are truly serious and demand attention. And that people who are extremely sensitive to others might be very sensitive themselves, and need to be treated accordingly.
In every relationship - but especially in marriage - it is crucial to learn how to appreciate the whole person, and to accept the fact that those qualities that you admire most in your spouse might have other aspects to them that may not be to your liking, and may require some adjustments. The best adjustment you can make is to refocus your viewing lens.
For Liz, that means focusing on Mike's amazing ability to calm her down and keep her balanced, rather than on those situations in which his easygoing nature seems to be a drawback. For Barry, it means concentrating on Michelle's incredible sensitivity to his feelings while accepting the fact that her own feelings may be fragile and to weigh his words carefully. Mike and Michelle are not off the hook either. If Liz gets upset, Mike can remind himself of that thanks to her they have electricity; Michelle should tell herself that Barry is used to joking, and that if he hurts her feelings it is more than likely unintentional. If each spouse shows the other how much they appreciate him or her as a whole person, they will have imbued their marriages with a staying power that is second to none.
BONUS : Make A Business Plan For Your Marriage & Post It On The Fridge
In working with companies to create business plans, I always start with a conversation about goal setting. How could you possibly create a business plan without a goal to achieve by working the plan? Clients are taught to create milestones to measure success along the way and they are held accountable for doing tasks to achieve each milestone. Tracking activities to reach the goals is critical. But before any of that can occur they have to dream.
Step One: Dream
When given the task of goal setting people typically start with an amount of money theyd like to earn. Sometimes theyll have a clear idea of what they will do with that money, sometimes they just choose a dollar amount because they think they are supposed to do that.
In business there is an old story thats been recycled for years about a graduating class from Harvard. On graduation day when the class was asked do you have clearly written goals? only 3% responded yes. Ten years later, the same group of people were assessed. The 3% that had clearly written goals were worth more than the other 97% of the class combined. Humm I cant think of any reasons not to set goals, just in case that story is accurate!
The key to goal setting is to be as specific as possible and create milestones to measure along the way to make sure you are on the right path working toward a longer term achievement. For example, if your goal is to earn more money, you first have to be more specific. How much money will you earn, by when will you earn it? What do you have to do to get there? Look for a new job? Ask for a raise? Sell a new account? Go back to school and finish your degree? What steps do you need to take to get to the earnings goal? Create a plan to move through each step with a timeline attached.
Step Two: Set Goals Together
Two things are important regarding goal setting as a couple. Number one, its fine to set individual goals, but you must share them with your spouse and make sure they fit with their goals. You both might want to earn a lot of money, but if one of you is working to earn money to send kids to college and the other is working to earn money to travel first class all over the world without kids, you both have nice dreams, but you may be out of whack as a couple.
My recommendation is to dream on your own first. Its important that you discover what is important to you and share that with your partner. If you skip that part and go directly to step two, the more vocal or determined of the partnership will dominate the conversation and the other will go along with their goals, simply because they dont have any other dreams to include in the master plan.
Setting goals together is an on-going activity. Check in with your partner on a consistent basis to see if their ideal dream today is the same as the plan they shared years (or months) ago.
Step Three: Create Your Dream in Pictures
Its important to dream together in pictures. Most people on the planet are highly visual meaning, they think in pictures. When you are dreaming, dream big and allow your subconscious mind the opportunity to play along by creating a visual display of pictures of your dreams. The mind thinks and processes information in pictures. If you want to train your mind to deliver what you want, do it in pictures.
Why this isnt a no brainer in a marital partnership I will never know. Why people are surprised to learn after years of marriage that one spouse wants to travel the world and the other dreams of spending free time visiting with family doesnt make any sense. Dream together. Dream in pictures. Discuss your goals and plans together. If you are not on the same page, decide if its worth fighting for or if you want it because you think you should based on what weve been taught by society and the media.
Save some old magazines for an evening of cutting & pasting to create your dream in pictures. As you cut out a photo, describe to your partner why you chose that for your visual display. When you agree together on all the photos for your joint picture board you are ready to paste them onto a piece of cardboard to make a collage of dreams.
The most important part of creating the picture board of your dreams together is taping it to your refrigerator to remind each other everyday that you are working together toward a common dream. Keeping your dreams present makes it easier to stay connected to whats important to you as a couple. Companies create business plans and hang mission statements in their lobby area to keep them focused, couples create picture boards for the fridge.
In working with companies to create business plans, I always start with a conversation about goal setting. How could you possibly create a business plan without a goal to achieve by working the plan? Clients are taught to create milestones to measure success along the way and they are held accountable for doing tasks to achieve each milestone. Tracking activities to reach the goals is critical. But before any of that can occur they have to dream.
Step One: Dream
When given the task of goal setting people typically start with an amount of money theyd like to earn. Sometimes theyll have a clear idea of what they will do with that money, sometimes they just choose a dollar amount because they think they are supposed to do that.
In business there is an old story thats been recycled for years about a graduating class from Harvard. On graduation day when the class was asked do you have clearly written goals? only 3% responded yes. Ten years later, the same group of people were assessed. The 3% that had clearly written goals were worth more than the other 97% of the class combined. Humm I cant think of any reasons not to set goals, just in case that story is accurate!
The key to goal setting is to be as specific as possible and create milestones to measure along the way to make sure you are on the right path working toward a longer term achievement. For example, if your goal is to earn more money, you first have to be more specific. How much money will you earn, by when will you earn it? What do you have to do to get there? Look for a new job? Ask for a raise? Sell a new account? Go back to school and finish your degree? What steps do you need to take to get to the earnings goal? Create a plan to move through each step with a timeline attached.
Step Two: Set Goals Together
Two things are important regarding goal setting as a couple. Number one, its fine to set individual goals, but you must share them with your spouse and make sure they fit with their goals. You both might want to earn a lot of money, but if one of you is working to earn money to send kids to college and the other is working to earn money to travel first class all over the world without kids, you both have nice dreams, but you may be out of whack as a couple.
My recommendation is to dream on your own first. Its important that you discover what is important to you and share that with your partner. If you skip that part and go directly to step two, the more vocal or determined of the partnership will dominate the conversation and the other will go along with their goals, simply because they dont have any other dreams to include in the master plan.
Setting goals together is an on-going activity. Check in with your partner on a consistent basis to see if their ideal dream today is the same as the plan they shared years (or months) ago.
Step Three: Create Your Dream in Pictures
Its important to dream together in pictures. Most people on the planet are highly visual meaning, they think in pictures. When you are dreaming, dream big and allow your subconscious mind the opportunity to play along by creating a visual display of pictures of your dreams. The mind thinks and processes information in pictures. If you want to train your mind to deliver what you want, do it in pictures.
Why this isnt a no brainer in a marital partnership I will never know. Why people are surprised to learn after years of marriage that one spouse wants to travel the world and the other dreams of spending free time visiting with family doesnt make any sense. Dream together. Dream in pictures. Discuss your goals and plans together. If you are not on the same page, decide if its worth fighting for or if you want it because you think you should based on what weve been taught by society and the media.
Save some old magazines for an evening of cutting & pasting to create your dream in pictures. As you cut out a photo, describe to your partner why you chose that for your visual display. When you agree together on all the photos for your joint picture board you are ready to paste them onto a piece of cardboard to make a collage of dreams.
The most important part of creating the picture board of your dreams together is taping it to your refrigerator to remind each other everyday that you are working together toward a common dream. Keeping your dreams present makes it easier to stay connected to whats important to you as a couple. Companies create business plans and hang mission statements in their lobby area to keep them focused, couples create picture boards for the fridge.
