Is Love Really Blind

Is Love Really Blind?

“Is love really blind?” I wonder. Having been happily married (and some of the times not so happily) for 30 years, I cannot help but ask myself more frequently whether my love is blind. Unsurprisingly to myself, the answer seems to be affirmative. How else would I have been able to go through the various difficult times in our relationship? Logic would dictate that we would have broken up by now. The next question I have been asking is whether it had been good that my love is blind.

I found an interesting section in the book “An Introduction to Positive Psychology” by WC Compton with the title “Is Love Really Blind?”. What you will find in the rest of the article is based on what Compton wrote together with my thoughts.

In our minds, very often, we have pictures of our partners that are inaccurate. We have what is called “positive romantic illusions” about our partners. These illusions explain why we are oblivious to the faults of our partners and so enamoured of them.

While it is true that these illusions tend to fade with time, it is also true they can also strengthen with times, albeit with different characteristics.

In the former, when marital problems surface, and if the illusions disappear completely, it might lead to eventual marital breakup. Fortunately, most of the times, the illusions might weaken but do not disappear completely. The remnant illusions might help to weather the storms in the relationships.

In the latter case, the marriage might stay strong even though there may be many situations and incidents that might wreck a weaker relationship. We might even increase our willingness to accept many apparent faults and mistakes, and even idiosyncrasies, of our partners. Let us examine why this happens.

It has been found that couples who idealized their partner’s attributes, or had exaggerated beliefs about their control over the relationship, or were overly optimistic about the future of their relationship, were happier. Their relationships were also more stable and lasted longer.

These observations lead me to draw the following inferences/conclusions:

It is through the positive romantic illusions about our partners that explain why we choose our partners and not someone else.

The positive romantic illusions about our partner help us to stick to our partner even during bad times and under otherwise unfavourable conditions.
We might continue to deliberately keep a biased positive view of our partner so as to maintain, or even enhance, the relationship.

There is mutual enhancement of the positive romantic illusions that partners have for each other.

People are more committed to spouses who see them in positive light.

However, should the stress present in the couple’s life lead to strains in the relationship, the positive romantic illusions might begin to fall apart, leading each partner to realize they have been fooling themselves about the qualities of their partners. Without the presence of the positive romantic illusions, the relationship can then deteriorate very rapidly.

Overall then, it is good for couples to maintain the positive romantic illusions they have. This way, they will remain ‘in love’ and continue to experience all the joys of romantic love.

References:
www.succezz.com/StresstheSilentKiller.html
www.succezz.com/How2BHappy.html
www.succezz.com/S2/7WaystoLiveLiftotheMax2.html

BONUS : Is Your Marriage At High Risk For Divorce?

Take this quick test:

· Were either of you under 22 when you married?

· Did either of you not get your high school diploma or GED?

· Do you make under $24,000/year as a couple?

· Are you two of different religions?

· Did either of your parents divorce?

· Are you or your spouse very critical of each other ?

· Are you or your spouse very defensive? Do either of you need the last word?

· Do you tend to withdraw from each another?

· Do either one of you feel contempt for the other?

The more you answered "yes" to these questions, the higher is your risk for divorce. Those who answer “no” generally have more realistic expectations of one another and their marriage. They tend to communicate better, use more effective problem solving skills and are found to have higher compatibility scores.

What type of person is most likely to benefit from marriage counseling? Well, everything else being equal, women seem to learn more from it than their spouses.

What type of couple benefits the most from marriage counseling? The answer is younger, communicative, educated, egalitarian, still loving and relatively open-minded couples.

Everything else being equal, important factors associated with unsuccessful marital therapy include: Procrastinating before seeking help, spouses who are determined to get a divorce and/or those who is closed to any new suggestions.

Dr John Gottman's research discovered that all couples experience conflict in their marriages but the happier ones manage their disagreements better because of a foundation of affection and friendship which they previously developed. Those without this foundation don’t appear to have the commitment, motivation or skill to problem-solve effectively under high stress.

Bottom line - if you really care about your marriage and think it may be in trouble, don’t wait. Seek marriage counseling as soon as you notice the warning signs and make a committment to be open-minded during the process.



Copyright, Shery, 2006