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The Critical Observation At Women S Defensive Shields What Men
The Dating Box > > >
Like most interactive situations that we come across in our everyday life, women too appear with their defense shield intact. They are on guard most of the time. But to reach her heart (hmmm other areas too), you have to break that shield or loosen that defense mechanism.
So what are the typical concern areas of a woman? Why does she pull up her defenses? To begin with, there are two primary areas where she finds herself vulnerable. One, her physical safety and the other her mind. There does exist a concept called mental rape as well, you know.
But then, defense mechanisms are all but natural in humans as a race. We protect our identities, we protect our bodies and our minds from external assaults by drawing up defenses. Not necessarily with armors and battle gears, but we do that with our ego states too! Think of a typical business deal, where at times, more than one player battles against the other, all with their superior or inferior ego states. (For reference, I suggest you read the book Games People Play by Eric Berne).
One guy makes a comment from his ego state to another who is in another ego state. The receiver of the comment interprets it as a harsh criticism, because he has viewed it from his own ego state and so on. Situation escalates further and as it happens most of the time, a verbal battle is launched.
Now, does it not sound familiar? It happens in man-woman relationships too!
There is a way to solve this however; one of the best ways that I have come across is to start looking at any situation from the other persons point of view. Its all the perspective, as they say. Learn to put your ego aside for a few minutes, or hours, and see the other side of the coin.
This is one of the most difficult tasks; let me tell you, for the simple reason, which you now have to work on and review your own sense of self-esteem (or, your own ego state, which could have stayed inflated all these years!). This is the only way you can relinquish your full-time desire to impress others and change the stance of Im OK, others not OK. It is not easy, but probably the only way to minimize inter-personal personality clashes, romantic or otherwise.
You can then see the rationale of the other persons behavior and be able to answer many whys with why nots, thereby avoiding many confrontational and hurtful relationships. No, you cant solve all the problems in life with this stance, but at least, you will be regarded and respected as a more understanding human.
This article may be re-published with appropriate attribution to the author including name and website © Copyright.
The Dating Box > > >
BONUS : The Dating Box
Whether you are actively dating or just getting back into dating, it is a world full of possibilities. However, most of us are creatures of habit and our patterns keep us in a dating box, searching for and dating the same types over and over.
Making contact online, you first have to find people that interest you by searching the dating websites membership. Online the dating box is literal, as you have to fill in web forms to find potential dates. Most dating sites give you two ways to search quick or advanced. Quick searches are just that theyre small web forms that let you search based on just a few criteria, like location or age. Advanced searches are larger web forms that let you search using lots of more specific criteria, like hair color, eye color, education, body type and more.
Just remember that the more criteria that you use for your searches, the fewer results youll get. Searches are unforgiving theyll return exactly what you ask for. We call them harsh numbers. When you choose an age range of, lets say, 30-39, the person who just turned 40 will not show up in the search results. If you want to find someone with light brown hair, those great dark brown haired people like me will be cast aside.
Also, many sites let you use keywords as part of the search criteria. This allows a search for words in a members profile that match your areas of interest. You can search specifically for words like tennis, skiing, or something else. This lets you be super-specific if you wish.
Although you want to find someone that attracts you and that you share things in common, dont limit yourself to what you think is your type. After all, the type that you have gone for in the past might have not worked out. Think outside your box. What we often think is our type is the same person we have been chasing unsuccessfully, through one bad relationship after another, our whole life. Even if your type was a successful relationship in the past, you cannot repeat a relationship you once had with someone new. Unless you date outside your box you will never know if maybe someone different just might be your type.
When going over your wants, there is the numbers trap that we need to watch out for as well. Offline we often use the expression, numbers dont lie. However the new culture of online dating, numbers often do lie.
For instance the harsh numbers of weight, height and age when in black and white may make a person appear unattractive to you online, who you would find very attractive offline.
When we meet people in person we dont say,
How old are you?
How much do you weigh?
How tall are you?
How much money do you make?
In person someone may carry his or her height, weight or age off in a very attractive manner. But when you look at the numbers online you think too old, too heavy, too short, too tall etc and that simply may not be the case. You have the right to want what you want, but I tell you this so that you can allow yourself to look past the numbers and be more open.
If youre not finding people that fit, try expanding your horizons. You are not making any long-term commitment when meeting people, so be open and meet more people and who you fall for might surprise you. So get out of your dating box and dont restrict yourself. Allow the incredible opportunity of online dating to work for you. Contact and meet a lot of people and leave yourself open to the possibilities
Whether you are actively dating or just getting back into dating, it is a world full of possibilities. However, most of us are creatures of habit and our patterns keep us in a dating box, searching for and dating the same types over and over.
Making contact online, you first have to find people that interest you by searching the dating websites membership. Online the dating box is literal, as you have to fill in web forms to find potential dates. Most dating sites give you two ways to search quick or advanced. Quick searches are just that theyre small web forms that let you search based on just a few criteria, like location or age. Advanced searches are larger web forms that let you search using lots of more specific criteria, like hair color, eye color, education, body type and more.
Just remember that the more criteria that you use for your searches, the fewer results youll get. Searches are unforgiving theyll return exactly what you ask for. We call them harsh numbers. When you choose an age range of, lets say, 30-39, the person who just turned 40 will not show up in the search results. If you want to find someone with light brown hair, those great dark brown haired people like me will be cast aside.
Also, many sites let you use keywords as part of the search criteria. This allows a search for words in a members profile that match your areas of interest. You can search specifically for words like tennis, skiing, or something else. This lets you be super-specific if you wish.
Although you want to find someone that attracts you and that you share things in common, dont limit yourself to what you think is your type. After all, the type that you have gone for in the past might have not worked out. Think outside your box. What we often think is our type is the same person we have been chasing unsuccessfully, through one bad relationship after another, our whole life. Even if your type was a successful relationship in the past, you cannot repeat a relationship you once had with someone new. Unless you date outside your box you will never know if maybe someone different just might be your type.
When going over your wants, there is the numbers trap that we need to watch out for as well. Offline we often use the expression, numbers dont lie. However the new culture of online dating, numbers often do lie.
For instance the harsh numbers of weight, height and age when in black and white may make a person appear unattractive to you online, who you would find very attractive offline.
When we meet people in person we dont say,
How old are you?
How much do you weigh?
How tall are you?
How much money do you make?
In person someone may carry his or her height, weight or age off in a very attractive manner. But when you look at the numbers online you think too old, too heavy, too short, too tall etc and that simply may not be the case. You have the right to want what you want, but I tell you this so that you can allow yourself to look past the numbers and be more open.
If youre not finding people that fit, try expanding your horizons. You are not making any long-term commitment when meeting people, so be open and meet more people and who you fall for might surprise you. So get out of your dating box and dont restrict yourself. Allow the incredible opportunity of online dating to work for you. Contact and meet a lot of people and leave yourself open to the possibilities
