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We Have To Talk A Step By Step Checklist For Difficult Conversations
We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations
Word Count:
1565
Summary:
Think of a conversation youÂ’ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then letÂ’s go.
Keywords:
communication,conflict,difficult conversations,problem solving,advocacy,acknowledgement,inquiry
Article Body:
Think of a conversation youÂ’ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then letÂ’s go.
There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, important (you get the idea) conversations (I list several at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you donÂ’t. Maybe youÂ’ve tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, thereÂ’s a feeling of being stuck, and youÂ’d like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.
What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help your energy stay focused and flowing, including possible conversation openings.
YouÂ’ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.
Working on Yourself: How To Prepare for the Conversation
Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:
1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome?
Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.
2. What assumptions are you making about this personÂ’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?
4 Steps to a Successful Outcome
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you donÂ’t know anything (you really donÂ’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Pretend youÂ’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.
If your partner really was from another planet, youÂ’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?
Let your partner talk until he is finished. DonÂ’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, donÂ’t take it personally. ItÂ’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. YouÂ’ll get your turn, but donÂ’t rush things.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that youÂ’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now youÂ’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the otherÂ’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If youÂ’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
Practice, Practice, Practice
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
Tips and Suggestions:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.
• Acknowledge emotional energy–yours and your partner's–and direct it toward a useful purpose.
• Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.
• Don’t take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to center.
• Don’t assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view.
• Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.
• Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.
How Do I Begin?
In my workshops, a common question is How do I begin the conversation? Here are a few conversation openers I’ve picked up over the years–and used many times!
• I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.
• I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him.
• I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.
• I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.
• I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.
Write a possible opening for your conversation here:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Good luck! Let me know if this article has been useful by contacting me at http://www.judyringer.com
Resources
The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum (www.aikiworks.com)
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (www.triadcgi.com)
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler (www.crucialconversations.com)
FAQ about Conflict, by Judy Ringer http://www.JudyRinger.com
BONUS : Title:
What Am I Going To Do With The Rest Of My Life?
Word Count:
1737
Summary:
Life changes, traumatic events or even just garden-variety nighttime against can make us feel uncertain about our future. Are your ready to move on with your life after a sudden change - or are you just waiting for someone to tell you how it's all supposed to work? Read on to find tips, steps and guidance on how to figure out where you want to go, how you want to get there and what you want to be when you arrive!
Keywords:
goal setting, success
Article Body:
Unexpected life changes. Anticipated transitions. Long, sleepless nights. What do these three things have in common? The ability to provoke one of the most haunting questions in the library of human introspectives:
"What on earth am I going to do with the rest of my life?"
While I can't pretend to answer to this question for anyone other than myself, I can offer those in this position some basic tips on how to ensure that their future turns out as bright as their class valedictorian said it would be.
Take Time To Create A Map
Too often, when faced with a major (or even not so major) life decision, we tend to either take the first decent choice that presents itself or we allow circumstances to choose for us by default - putting off the decision until the inexorable current of life sweeps us past the turning point. As you can imagine, this is not the best way to get what you want out of life. But the options we are faced with in life can be so wildly divergent, or so deceptively similar, that it is difficult to know which turning to take. Wouldn't it be great if we had some kind of road map that would help us know which paths to follow and which to pass by?
Below are five questions that everybody should ask himself or herself before starting out on any new path. The answers to these questions should then be used to guide decisions and to direct actions - when a choice comes up, simply compare the various options with your stated desires and choose the option that takes you closer to (or at least moves you the least farthest away from) your destination - your stated goals and desires.
1. What does success mean to me?
Be very specific. "I want to be rich," is not an answer - just what does "rich" mean, anyway? Are you thinking of a set number? And if so, why? Or is the term "rich" a substitute for certain freedoms and opportunities that you view as coming only with money - and by limiting them to being accessed only through money, are you missing out on other alternative pathways?
Some more specific alternatives to "I want to be rich," depending on the individual, might be: "I want to have enough net income to meet my current financial responsibilities without strain, plus have time and money left over for travel," or "I want to be able to comfortably afford a jet-setting lifestyle in New York City," or "I want to spend 4 days a week at home with my kids," etc.
You should try to come up with at least three answers to the question of what success really means to you personally, with each one reflecting a different facet of what you feel makes up a truly successful life. And keep the money issue to just one statement - after all, such things as personal fulfillment, spiritual meaning and other essential needs and values cannot be solved, acquired or even influenced by money
One of the biggest obstacles to success is that most of us have never consciously explored what that means to us, aside from some vague and nebulous idea of fame, fortune or other worldly success. Knowing what success really means to you - what you hope or imagine that these generic definitions of success would actually provide and how you want those things to physically look like in your life - allows you to weigh your choices more accurately.
2. What are my non-negotiable needs?
List all the things that you envision as inescapable parameters of a successful and enjoyable life. Family, travel, no debt, pleasant work environment, social status, contributions to society, spiritual involvement, public acclaim, love, excitement, comfort - any or all of these, and any others you can think of are legitimate needs that when not met create an environment of stress, want and disempowerment in your life. Knowing what you are not willing to do without makes the relative values of different options clearer.
3. What are my non-negotiable boundaries?
List all the things that you absolutely do not want present in your life. If the idea of working in a standard hierarchical office environment makes you ill, put that down. If you can't stand the thought of living in a cold climate, add that to the list. If being poked fun at about your physical condition or other attributes makes life unlivable, note that as well. By knowing what you will not tolerate, many choices become much easier to make. Plus, it allows you to set down rules and policies about who and what you will invite into your life and the standards of behavior you will, and will not, tolerate.
4. What are my key values?
Spend some time searching your soul to come up with a list of your basic values, creating a life around which would make you the person you want to be and allow you to live the life you want to live. Are you the type who values honesty, clean/green living and a deep love of nature above all things? Or are you more of a 'comforts of home', family and fun kind of person? Do you value charity over letting others find their way on their own, or is it the other way around? Knowing what you truly stand for is a vital component of good decision-making.
5. What do I want to be remembered for?
What legacy do you want to leave here when you pass on? What do you want people to say about your life and you as a person? What do you want to be known for? What would you like your obituary to say about you? Knowing where you want to end up makes choosing the path to get there, and keeping track of your progress, infinitely easier.
Key Points To Consider
There are three key points to keep in mind when you are faced with making life-changing decisions.
1. Look before you leap.
In life, as in commercial marketing, "Buy now before this opportunity is gone!" is almost always code-speak for, "Buy now, before you have time to read the fine print." True, from time to time real, honest-to-goodness, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime offers do come around. But if you have laid down a foundation of well-considered choices and clear-minded focus before this happens, you will have the presence of mind and strength of purpose to know when to jump and when to pass, and be much more capable of telling the difference between a missed opportunity and a close call.
2. Life is no longer a "one chance per person" event.
The times, they are definitely a'changing, and one of the best things to come out of that change is that we now understand that people change as well and that this is not only normal, but expected. The career or life that suited you perfectly in your 20's will most likely not fit the middle-aged you, no more than the same wardrobe or lifestyle would. Sometimes this is merely the result of the normal process of personal evolution we all go through as we age and mature, and sometimes it comes about suddenly in response to reality-shifting events and life-changing transitions such as living through a traumatic event, losing a job or getting married.
However change comes, be prepared to go with the flow. Don't worry about "all that time I spent in grad school," or what your friends and family will say. In the first instance, there is no such thing as "sunk costs" in life - 90% of nearly any education or life experience is 100% transferable to new situations and new outlets. In sports they call it "cross-training," and an athlete doesn't consider his or her training complete without in. In the second instance, well, if they love you they will want you to be happy and if they don't love you, then who cares what they think? Besides, they're not the ones who have to live this life - you are.
Also falling under this heading is the admonition not to trade a good life now for some nebulous "better tomorrow," such as spending your life zombie-ing through a career you hate for the promise of a pensioned retirement. All too often, these "tomorrows," if they ever do come, are no better than the "nows" you wasted. And as often as not the stress of living an unhappy life permanently cripples or even kills people, physically or otherwise, well before they can get to their imagined golden "tomorrow."
3. Trying to find your "one, true purpose" is a waste of life.
We are all put here on this earth for any number of reasons - some big, some small and most of which we will never understand or even realize we've participated in until well after they've become distant memory. Spending too much time trying to scry your "true purpose" in the tea leaves of life can take your attention and energy away from creating the kind of life that would actually support the accomplishment these purposes in the first place.
A far better is alternative to create what I call a "Groundhog Day-Proof Life." Based on the Bill Murray movie in which his character has to live the same day over and over, this concept involves creating a life that reflects your values, offers you opportunities to challenge yourself and is fulfilling enough and just plain pleasant enough so that if by some strange cosmic fluke you became trapped in any given day of your life, it would be a good thing rather than a tragedy. Living this sort of life virtually ensures that you will be who and where you need to be to fulfill any purpose you may have been sent here to accomplish, while at the same time providing you with a wonderful and rewarding "rest of your life" in the process.
Summary
Getting the most out of life isn't about living "right." It's about living well. Learning to consciously steer your life in the direction you want to take it, making the choice to live by your own set of values and desires and making sure that you get the most out of the limited days you are given ensures that when the time comes for your life to pass before your eyes in review, the show will definitely be worth the price of the admission.
What Am I Going To Do With The Rest Of My Life?
Word Count:
1737
Summary:
Life changes, traumatic events or even just garden-variety nighttime against can make us feel uncertain about our future. Are your ready to move on with your life after a sudden change - or are you just waiting for someone to tell you how it's all supposed to work? Read on to find tips, steps and guidance on how to figure out where you want to go, how you want to get there and what you want to be when you arrive!
Keywords:
goal setting, success
Article Body:
Unexpected life changes. Anticipated transitions. Long, sleepless nights. What do these three things have in common? The ability to provoke one of the most haunting questions in the library of human introspectives:
"What on earth am I going to do with the rest of my life?"
While I can't pretend to answer to this question for anyone other than myself, I can offer those in this position some basic tips on how to ensure that their future turns out as bright as their class valedictorian said it would be.
Take Time To Create A Map
Too often, when faced with a major (or even not so major) life decision, we tend to either take the first decent choice that presents itself or we allow circumstances to choose for us by default - putting off the decision until the inexorable current of life sweeps us past the turning point. As you can imagine, this is not the best way to get what you want out of life. But the options we are faced with in life can be so wildly divergent, or so deceptively similar, that it is difficult to know which turning to take. Wouldn't it be great if we had some kind of road map that would help us know which paths to follow and which to pass by?
Below are five questions that everybody should ask himself or herself before starting out on any new path. The answers to these questions should then be used to guide decisions and to direct actions - when a choice comes up, simply compare the various options with your stated desires and choose the option that takes you closer to (or at least moves you the least farthest away from) your destination - your stated goals and desires.
1. What does success mean to me?
Be very specific. "I want to be rich," is not an answer - just what does "rich" mean, anyway? Are you thinking of a set number? And if so, why? Or is the term "rich" a substitute for certain freedoms and opportunities that you view as coming only with money - and by limiting them to being accessed only through money, are you missing out on other alternative pathways?
Some more specific alternatives to "I want to be rich," depending on the individual, might be: "I want to have enough net income to meet my current financial responsibilities without strain, plus have time and money left over for travel," or "I want to be able to comfortably afford a jet-setting lifestyle in New York City," or "I want to spend 4 days a week at home with my kids," etc.
You should try to come up with at least three answers to the question of what success really means to you personally, with each one reflecting a different facet of what you feel makes up a truly successful life. And keep the money issue to just one statement - after all, such things as personal fulfillment, spiritual meaning and other essential needs and values cannot be solved, acquired or even influenced by money
One of the biggest obstacles to success is that most of us have never consciously explored what that means to us, aside from some vague and nebulous idea of fame, fortune or other worldly success. Knowing what success really means to you - what you hope or imagine that these generic definitions of success would actually provide and how you want those things to physically look like in your life - allows you to weigh your choices more accurately.
2. What are my non-negotiable needs?
List all the things that you envision as inescapable parameters of a successful and enjoyable life. Family, travel, no debt, pleasant work environment, social status, contributions to society, spiritual involvement, public acclaim, love, excitement, comfort - any or all of these, and any others you can think of are legitimate needs that when not met create an environment of stress, want and disempowerment in your life. Knowing what you are not willing to do without makes the relative values of different options clearer.
3. What are my non-negotiable boundaries?
List all the things that you absolutely do not want present in your life. If the idea of working in a standard hierarchical office environment makes you ill, put that down. If you can't stand the thought of living in a cold climate, add that to the list. If being poked fun at about your physical condition or other attributes makes life unlivable, note that as well. By knowing what you will not tolerate, many choices become much easier to make. Plus, it allows you to set down rules and policies about who and what you will invite into your life and the standards of behavior you will, and will not, tolerate.
4. What are my key values?
Spend some time searching your soul to come up with a list of your basic values, creating a life around which would make you the person you want to be and allow you to live the life you want to live. Are you the type who values honesty, clean/green living and a deep love of nature above all things? Or are you more of a 'comforts of home', family and fun kind of person? Do you value charity over letting others find their way on their own, or is it the other way around? Knowing what you truly stand for is a vital component of good decision-making.
5. What do I want to be remembered for?
What legacy do you want to leave here when you pass on? What do you want people to say about your life and you as a person? What do you want to be known for? What would you like your obituary to say about you? Knowing where you want to end up makes choosing the path to get there, and keeping track of your progress, infinitely easier.
Key Points To Consider
There are three key points to keep in mind when you are faced with making life-changing decisions.
1. Look before you leap.
In life, as in commercial marketing, "Buy now before this opportunity is gone!" is almost always code-speak for, "Buy now, before you have time to read the fine print." True, from time to time real, honest-to-goodness, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime offers do come around. But if you have laid down a foundation of well-considered choices and clear-minded focus before this happens, you will have the presence of mind and strength of purpose to know when to jump and when to pass, and be much more capable of telling the difference between a missed opportunity and a close call.
2. Life is no longer a "one chance per person" event.
The times, they are definitely a'changing, and one of the best things to come out of that change is that we now understand that people change as well and that this is not only normal, but expected. The career or life that suited you perfectly in your 20's will most likely not fit the middle-aged you, no more than the same wardrobe or lifestyle would. Sometimes this is merely the result of the normal process of personal evolution we all go through as we age and mature, and sometimes it comes about suddenly in response to reality-shifting events and life-changing transitions such as living through a traumatic event, losing a job or getting married.
However change comes, be prepared to go with the flow. Don't worry about "all that time I spent in grad school," or what your friends and family will say. In the first instance, there is no such thing as "sunk costs" in life - 90% of nearly any education or life experience is 100% transferable to new situations and new outlets. In sports they call it "cross-training," and an athlete doesn't consider his or her training complete without in. In the second instance, well, if they love you they will want you to be happy and if they don't love you, then who cares what they think? Besides, they're not the ones who have to live this life - you are.
Also falling under this heading is the admonition not to trade a good life now for some nebulous "better tomorrow," such as spending your life zombie-ing through a career you hate for the promise of a pensioned retirement. All too often, these "tomorrows," if they ever do come, are no better than the "nows" you wasted. And as often as not the stress of living an unhappy life permanently cripples or even kills people, physically or otherwise, well before they can get to their imagined golden "tomorrow."
3. Trying to find your "one, true purpose" is a waste of life.
We are all put here on this earth for any number of reasons - some big, some small and most of which we will never understand or even realize we've participated in until well after they've become distant memory. Spending too much time trying to scry your "true purpose" in the tea leaves of life can take your attention and energy away from creating the kind of life that would actually support the accomplishment these purposes in the first place.
A far better is alternative to create what I call a "Groundhog Day-Proof Life." Based on the Bill Murray movie in which his character has to live the same day over and over, this concept involves creating a life that reflects your values, offers you opportunities to challenge yourself and is fulfilling enough and just plain pleasant enough so that if by some strange cosmic fluke you became trapped in any given day of your life, it would be a good thing rather than a tragedy. Living this sort of life virtually ensures that you will be who and where you need to be to fulfill any purpose you may have been sent here to accomplish, while at the same time providing you with a wonderful and rewarding "rest of your life" in the process.
Summary
Getting the most out of life isn't about living "right." It's about living well. Learning to consciously steer your life in the direction you want to take it, making the choice to live by your own set of values and desires and making sure that you get the most out of the limited days you are given ensures that when the time comes for your life to pass before your eyes in review, the show will definitely be worth the price of the admission.
