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Forgive For Less Marital Anger
StacyÂs partner of twelve years does not come home one evening and she knew he was with a former lover. He begged for another chance with Stacy, but her pride and anger held her back. Stacy said she would feel like a fool if she forgave him, even though she still loved him. Stacy didnÂt end the relationship, but reminds him daily of what he did to her.
Should Stacy forgive her otherwise good husband for what he did? Of course, only Stacy can make this decision.
Fact is, most marriages cannot survive knowledge of an affair, but some do and can even grow stronger in the long run.
Stacy and others who struggle with forgiveness for all kinds of marital offenses (not only affairs) can be helped in their decision by considering the following misconceptions about forgiveness:
MISCONCEPTION #1
Forgiving means that you forget about the offense.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though you forgive, you may never forget (and probably shouldnÂt) what happened to you.
However, you can tell that you have truly forgiven an offense when you can remember it without experiencing the emotional pain connected with it.
MISCONCEPTION #2
Forgiving means that you are saying what they did was okay.
Quite the opposite. We can still forgive, but see what happened to us as unjust, unfair, or unacceptable.
There are many things that our partners can do to us that we donÂt deserve or that violate the contract, covenant, or agreement you have with each other.
Yet, we can forgive by realizing that perhaps they were misguided, or flawed and thus worthy of another chance.
MISCONCEPTION #3
In order to forgive, you need to tell your partner that you forgive them.
Actually, it often backfires if you go up to someone and say ÂI forgive you, especially if they see themselves as a victim instead of seeing themselves as someone who warrants forgiveness.
Fact is, forgiveness occurs in your heart not in the telling someone that you forgive them.
There are exceptions to this, however, and circumstances under which you might want to discuss your forgiveness of themÂbut only if you think that it will not cause further harm.
For instance, RuthÂs husband asked for her forgiveness following a gambling spree which put the family in financial peril. After one year of rehabilitation and a Âclean record, Ruth told him that she now forgave him.
MISCONCEPTION #4
If you forgive, it means you will trust them again immediately.
Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Even after forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust.
To instantly trust your partner again after being violated is not a sign of good mental health or strong self-esteem.
Doing this may also send a message to your partner that they may continue to violate your trust with little fear of actually having to suffer the consequences.
Marital trust must be re-earned after an offense, based on good behavior not just smooth words or empty promises.
MISCONCEPTION #5
After forgiving, you will automatically feel positive feelings again for your partner.
The opposite of anger is not love. Absence of angry feelings doesnÂt necessarily create warm, positive feelings sometimes it simply creates neutral ones.
In many cases, of course, it is impossible to ever rekindle the love feelings even after forgiveness. This is common with ex-partners who learn to let go of the
anger connected with the divorce issues, but never love each other again.
MISCONCEPTION #6
Forgiveness occurs all at once.
Not necessarily. Maybe you can start by forgiving maybe 10%Âjust open the doorÂand then see how your partner behaves.
After a period of time, you might open the door a little wider and let go of a little more anger until you are truly able to forgive 100%
BONUS : Four Great Games To Play At Your Next Bridal Shower
One of the most fun -- and occasionally dreaded -- parts of a bridal shower are the games. Although they're meant to be bonding experiences, bridal shower games aren't for everyone ... and if your gal group meets exclusively for cosmos and indie jazz, you might want to skip them.
But the fact is, bridal shower games serve a purpose. No matter how familiar or unsophisticated they might seem, they still serve as icebreakers. And icebreakers are especially useful if your shower combines guests from different walks of life. A shower might toss the bride's work friends together with her hometown friends and a handful of relatives -- and these groups probably don't know each other -- but an icebreaker can bring them together (of course, so can a few chilled bottles of Veuve Clicquot).
So your guest list is a mixed bag of ages, backgrounds, tastes and styles, here are some true-blue games that will bring your shower through with flying colors.
Bridal Shower Bingo
One of the most popular is, of course, Bridal Shower Bingo. To play this game, dream up a list of words for each bingo card that relates to weddings, wedding gifts, the bride herself, or romance. For the cards themselves, arrange a grid of squares in your favorite desktop publisher, placing each word or phrase in its own square. Make the center square "free" (you're just generous that way). Or just grab some of those no-cost, printable bridal bingo cards from the internet.
Give each guest their own card. Or if you really want to press home the icebreaker effect, get two guests to share one.
Next, print out your word selection with lots of letter spacing so you can cut up the sheet into strips and toss them in a basket.
Finally, have the hostess act as the caller. She'll pull the words out of the basket and call them out. Once a player gets a complete marked-off line of words, either horizontally, vertically or diagonally, she shouts out "Bingo" (or "Bride") in return for a prize.
Uncool, you say? Angelina Jolie would never be caught dead playing Bridal Shower Bingo? Maybe, but you'd be surprised how jiggy things get when you turn up the music and start calling out those words. There's a reason why hundreds of people flock to bingo halls on a weekly basis -- it's freakishly fun. Leave the anthropologists to wonder why, and just roll with it.
Bingo Redux
One of the funniest variations on Bridal Shower Bingo is to give guests blank cards and have them fill it out with predictions of what gifts the bride will get.
Or for another twist, fill your cards with titles of songs relating to love and romance, and then play 10 second snippets from a CD you've burned ahead of time. This gives your guests the double challenge of identifying what they're hearing, and crossing off the titles. Choose a sweet Starbucks-y combo of Cole Porter, Diana Krall, Ray Charles, and obscure Beatles tunes. It's fun and cool.
Kiss George Clooney
You could also "kiss the groom," but why not kiss George Clooney instead?
Take a sturdy board, and staple on a men's shirt and pants combo from the thrift store. Draw in the hands and shoes, and glue on a life-sized printout of George Clooney's winsome face. Have each guest apply a healthy dose of lipstick. Now blindfold her, turn her around three times, and have her try to kiss George Clooney on the lips. The closest kisser wins a prize (how about an inexpensive autographed photo from the man himself? Try eBay). The rest get to dream.
Lottery Tickets
Fast and simple, not too costly, and who knows? Someone might go home with special memories ... to her new penthouse suite. It could happen!
Purse Pursuit
Or try a scavenger hunt -- through a purse. In this one, give your guests a list of things you might find in a purse. Guests mark off items for points as they hunt through their purse. Expected items (aspirin, cosmetics, mints) should get a few points. Give higher points for odder objects (tiny airline liquor bottles, a granola bar, crochet hooks, a Canadian coin). Award really high points for random items that might show up in a purse (a rock, toilet paper, chopsticks).
If all this seems too complicated, weigh each purse and hand out a prize to the heaviest handbag -- since a gift certificate to an orthopedic specialist probably won't fit your budget.
One of the most fun -- and occasionally dreaded -- parts of a bridal shower are the games. Although they're meant to be bonding experiences, bridal shower games aren't for everyone ... and if your gal group meets exclusively for cosmos and indie jazz, you might want to skip them.
But the fact is, bridal shower games serve a purpose. No matter how familiar or unsophisticated they might seem, they still serve as icebreakers. And icebreakers are especially useful if your shower combines guests from different walks of life. A shower might toss the bride's work friends together with her hometown friends and a handful of relatives -- and these groups probably don't know each other -- but an icebreaker can bring them together (of course, so can a few chilled bottles of Veuve Clicquot).
So your guest list is a mixed bag of ages, backgrounds, tastes and styles, here are some true-blue games that will bring your shower through with flying colors.
Bridal Shower Bingo
One of the most popular is, of course, Bridal Shower Bingo. To play this game, dream up a list of words for each bingo card that relates to weddings, wedding gifts, the bride herself, or romance. For the cards themselves, arrange a grid of squares in your favorite desktop publisher, placing each word or phrase in its own square. Make the center square "free" (you're just generous that way). Or just grab some of those no-cost, printable bridal bingo cards from the internet.
Give each guest their own card. Or if you really want to press home the icebreaker effect, get two guests to share one.
Next, print out your word selection with lots of letter spacing so you can cut up the sheet into strips and toss them in a basket.
Finally, have the hostess act as the caller. She'll pull the words out of the basket and call them out. Once a player gets a complete marked-off line of words, either horizontally, vertically or diagonally, she shouts out "Bingo" (or "Bride") in return for a prize.
Uncool, you say? Angelina Jolie would never be caught dead playing Bridal Shower Bingo? Maybe, but you'd be surprised how jiggy things get when you turn up the music and start calling out those words. There's a reason why hundreds of people flock to bingo halls on a weekly basis -- it's freakishly fun. Leave the anthropologists to wonder why, and just roll with it.
Bingo Redux
One of the funniest variations on Bridal Shower Bingo is to give guests blank cards and have them fill it out with predictions of what gifts the bride will get.
Or for another twist, fill your cards with titles of songs relating to love and romance, and then play 10 second snippets from a CD you've burned ahead of time. This gives your guests the double challenge of identifying what they're hearing, and crossing off the titles. Choose a sweet Starbucks-y combo of Cole Porter, Diana Krall, Ray Charles, and obscure Beatles tunes. It's fun and cool.
Kiss George Clooney
You could also "kiss the groom," but why not kiss George Clooney instead?
Take a sturdy board, and staple on a men's shirt and pants combo from the thrift store. Draw in the hands and shoes, and glue on a life-sized printout of George Clooney's winsome face. Have each guest apply a healthy dose of lipstick. Now blindfold her, turn her around three times, and have her try to kiss George Clooney on the lips. The closest kisser wins a prize (how about an inexpensive autographed photo from the man himself? Try eBay). The rest get to dream.
Lottery Tickets
Fast and simple, not too costly, and who knows? Someone might go home with special memories ... to her new penthouse suite. It could happen!
Purse Pursuit
Or try a scavenger hunt -- through a purse. In this one, give your guests a list of things you might find in a purse. Guests mark off items for points as they hunt through their purse. Expected items (aspirin, cosmetics, mints) should get a few points. Give higher points for odder objects (tiny airline liquor bottles, a granola bar, crochet hooks, a Canadian coin). Award really high points for random items that might show up in a purse (a rock, toilet paper, chopsticks).
If all this seems too complicated, weigh each purse and hand out a prize to the heaviest handbag -- since a gift certificate to an orthopedic specialist probably won't fit your budget.
