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Relationship Jokes By Flashg
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as MLB 5.0, NFL 4.3, PGA 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT:
Dear Desperate
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command: C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME' to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5,
BUT remember : overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Part 2 of the tech support joke
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Jonathan Powell
Dear Jonathan Powell-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy
drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to replace by Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in
the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs; this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have
become infected with a virus. I recommend you play safe by keeping Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
- Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
- Frequently use Communicator 5.0
BONUS : Rescue Remedy For Financial Problems In A Marriage
With personal / family debt levels continually rising the pressure on marriages in continually increasing with nearly half of married couples arguing over financial issues, which makes financial problems in a marriage one of the main common marriage problems.
As the saying goes money is what makes the world go round and not being able to spend money on the things you want to spend it on significantly increases the levels of stress in a relationship.
It is particularly hard when couples:
first get together after having it easy living at home,
have only had to think about number one in the past,
have a new baby to consider,
have been used to good incomes and are then hit by hard times or
have just let their finances get out of control.
Having enough money to spend is important and it is so easy for spending to get out of control. I know so many people who just spend and spend, leave nothing for a rainy day and get deeper and deeper into debt. They often look at me and wonder why I dont have any financial issues, well that ones easy, I have never spent more than what I have earned and never spend all the money I have. I always keep a little back and it avoids all the stress when that unexpected bill comes in!
When money is short stress levels rise and with increased stress levels comes the constant bickering, the blame culture and other relationship issues start to arise. Financial problems in a marriage just compound marital problems and small things that were never previously an issue start to come to a head.
When husband and wife do not have the same opinions as far as the family finances are concerned, financial problems in a marriage become a far greater issue. Partners need to understand that personal finances need to be managed, expenditure planned and bills met even in harder times. They need to learn to focus on the real issue at hand, which is money, and not start picking at other aspects of the marriage which wouldnt have previously been a problem.
Im not saying its easy, trying to get your spouse to curb their spending habits is difficult especially when you cant see light at the end of the tunnel but, if you dont take control of your finances the problem will just escalate and escalate until it is totally out of control.
You have to stop living beyond your means, take control of your finances now and make sure you understand what cash is coming in and what is going out. Write it down, see it in black and white and then eliminate as much of the unnecessary expenditure as you can possibly cope with.
Consolidate any loans you may have but look at the small print, dont go to companies that are going to rip you off, make sure you shop around. Choosing the wrong loan can be extremely costly and mean more time paying it off. Every penny spent on interest is money that could have been yours to do with as you please!
Set your budget so you can cover repayments plus a bit more (contingency), find ways to cut back and stick to it. If you can cope with paying the loan back quicker then do it. It may be hard in the short term but in the longer term it delivers exceptional rewards. Remember, higher repayments means less interest and more money in your pocket at the end of time!
Oh! and if you want to resolve financial problems in a marriage dont forget one golden rule that will sort your finances out that much quicker - limit credit cards, if you have to have one then limit it to the one and always, and I mean always clear the balance at the end of the month.
Dont leave debt on your credit card unless of course its 0% finance remember 0% means money in your pocket. Again dont get caught out by the small print and end up paying interest on everything you buy thereafter transfer your balance onto a new card, make use of the 0% finance but dont buy anything else using that card.
If you cant stick to the rules and only spend what you can easily clear at the end of each month rip up every card you have. Dont increase the amount you owe!!
If you want to save your marriage resolve those financial problems before they take over your life.
With personal / family debt levels continually rising the pressure on marriages in continually increasing with nearly half of married couples arguing over financial issues, which makes financial problems in a marriage one of the main common marriage problems.
As the saying goes money is what makes the world go round and not being able to spend money on the things you want to spend it on significantly increases the levels of stress in a relationship.
It is particularly hard when couples:
first get together after having it easy living at home,
have only had to think about number one in the past,
have a new baby to consider,
have been used to good incomes and are then hit by hard times or
have just let their finances get out of control.
Having enough money to spend is important and it is so easy for spending to get out of control. I know so many people who just spend and spend, leave nothing for a rainy day and get deeper and deeper into debt. They often look at me and wonder why I dont have any financial issues, well that ones easy, I have never spent more than what I have earned and never spend all the money I have. I always keep a little back and it avoids all the stress when that unexpected bill comes in!
When money is short stress levels rise and with increased stress levels comes the constant bickering, the blame culture and other relationship issues start to arise. Financial problems in a marriage just compound marital problems and small things that were never previously an issue start to come to a head.
When husband and wife do not have the same opinions as far as the family finances are concerned, financial problems in a marriage become a far greater issue. Partners need to understand that personal finances need to be managed, expenditure planned and bills met even in harder times. They need to learn to focus on the real issue at hand, which is money, and not start picking at other aspects of the marriage which wouldnt have previously been a problem.
Im not saying its easy, trying to get your spouse to curb their spending habits is difficult especially when you cant see light at the end of the tunnel but, if you dont take control of your finances the problem will just escalate and escalate until it is totally out of control.
You have to stop living beyond your means, take control of your finances now and make sure you understand what cash is coming in and what is going out. Write it down, see it in black and white and then eliminate as much of the unnecessary expenditure as you can possibly cope with.
Consolidate any loans you may have but look at the small print, dont go to companies that are going to rip you off, make sure you shop around. Choosing the wrong loan can be extremely costly and mean more time paying it off. Every penny spent on interest is money that could have been yours to do with as you please!
Set your budget so you can cover repayments plus a bit more (contingency), find ways to cut back and stick to it. If you can cope with paying the loan back quicker then do it. It may be hard in the short term but in the longer term it delivers exceptional rewards. Remember, higher repayments means less interest and more money in your pocket at the end of time!
Oh! and if you want to resolve financial problems in a marriage dont forget one golden rule that will sort your finances out that much quicker - limit credit cards, if you have to have one then limit it to the one and always, and I mean always clear the balance at the end of the month.
Dont leave debt on your credit card unless of course its 0% finance remember 0% means money in your pocket. Again dont get caught out by the small print and end up paying interest on everything you buy thereafter transfer your balance onto a new card, make use of the 0% finance but dont buy anything else using that card.
If you cant stick to the rules and only spend what you can easily clear at the end of each month rip up every card you have. Dont increase the amount you owe!!
If you want to save your marriage resolve those financial problems before they take over your life.
