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Marriage In Crisis
You probably never thought it would happen to you, but suddenly you find your marriage in crisis. You and your spouse are fighting a lot, or one of you has been unfaithful, or perhaps you have just simply grown distant over the years. Regardless of the reason, you may be trying to decide what your options are. You may be anxious, scared, angry, hurt or just feeling very alone. So lets look at some options if when your marriage in crisis feels a bit overwhelming.
Take some time apart
For some people, when they are experiencing marriage problems, taking some time apart can give them an opportunity to gain much needed perspective. When you are right in the thick of an emotionally charged situation, you may be too close to things to come up with effective solutions. A brief separation can be beneficial in order to get your bearings and think through the best way to handle your marriage in crisis.
Also, during this time apart you can determine if you really want to stay in your marriage or not. This is a very difficult decision for many people and should not be made without a lot of thought. Taking time apart can give you the space your need to think it through without the day to day pressures at home which often accompany a marriage in crisis.
Get into therapy
Going to a therapist can be very helpful when a marriage in crisis is turning your life upside down. Therapy will not only provide you with a safe place to talk openly and freely, it will provide you an opportunity to problem solve with someone who is neutral and objective with regards to your situation. Family and friends may be willing to listen and give advice, but usually they will be biased in one way or the other, and wont be objective like a therapist.
Put your cards on the table with your spouse
Often when a marriage has reached a crisis point, one or both partners is unable or unwilling to take the risk of saying what they really want and feel. Instead you are often both guarded or defensive as you try to navigate your way through what feels like an emotional minefield. But if one of you takes the risk of truly putting your cards on the table, it may be the catalyst for much needed open conversations. That being said, it may backfire also, and that is what makes it particularly uncomfortable for most people. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it, and how you think your partner may respond if you try.
File for divorce
Another option when experiencing a marriage in crisis is to throw in the towel and file for divorce. If the crisis has been going on for a long time and shows little hope for resolution, this may be the best option. Only you can decide if this is the best route for you. But it definitely should not be done hastily, as the emotional and financial cost of divorce is often very high.
Determine what changes you can make to improve your marriage
With a marriage in crisis the only person you can change is you. You cant change your spouse even though you may feel that is the best solution! But the person you can change is you. Marriage problems are rarely, if ever, due to one person. It takes two to tango and two to create problems. If you start making some positive changes your spouse will inevitably have to make some changes also. Your spouse may not change as you would like, but if you make positive changes you can hold your head high knowing that you did, and leave the marriage with more dignity if it still doesnt work out in the end.
Only you can decide the best choice for you when a marriage in crisis is taking a toll on your emotional wellbeing. Consider these options and trust your heart. And know that many couples do find a way to get back on track. Hopefully you will too!
BONUS : Marriage: Learning To Love
My daughter was recently in her school's performance of Fiddler On The Roof. She was one of the daughters. If you don't know the story, it focuses on the changing culture of marriage, from one where the marriage is arrainged by family and community to one based on mutual attraction.
In one of the songs, the main character asks his wife if she loves him. She replies that for 25 years, she has shared his bed, made his meals, tended his house, raised his children -- so what kind of question is that? The point is that in their relationship, love wasn't even a question or consideration. But after some back-and-forth, they decide that, indeed, they love each other.
This led me to think about what I know about marriage. And here is what I think about the question of love and marriage: we fall in love to get together, then spend the rest of our lives learning to love the other.
You see, the initial attraction is really about "I." "I" feel a certain way, so I know I am "in love." But that part of the relationship is driven by my need to feel that way, my need to be with the other person, my need to have my needs met. My needs are fueled by my desire to feel the intense emotion of "being in love."
But in reality, love is a verb, something I do for the other. So, it takes the rest of my life to learn how to attend to my spouse's needs. From my desire to be with my spouse comes my desire to meet my spouse's love needs.
We are "fooled" into commitment by the overwhelming feeling of attraction, and then we have to put forth effort to create a sustained relationship. I say "fooled" because our culture has us believing that this love is the foundation of a relationship. It is not. It is merely a temporary starting point. It is not the destination. It is just a part of the journey to a lifetime relationship.
Those intense feelings will calm over time. The overwhelming need to be with someone that marks the infatuation portion of a relationship is not sustainable on its own. It's like placing a flame in a bottle. Eventually, the flame will burn all the oxygen in the bottle and be extinguished.
So, there has to be some "fueling of the fire." This is "love," the verb. When I act in loving ways, I fuel the fire and keep it burning. If I stop tending to the other's needs because I don't feel that infatuation, the relationship will slowly (or not so slowly) die away.
When we continue to believe that "love" (infatuation) is the heart of a relationship, when that feeling is gone, we believe we are no longer in love. That is not the case; we have just failed to fuel the fire.
Reality TV has proven that any two people, given the right circumstances and settings, can fall into love (chemistry of infatuation). But story after story shows that it is harder to make the switch to "true love" that comes from action. Choose action, and don't be fooled by chemistry.
By acting on love, by making love a verb and not an emotion, we keep the emotional fire stoked. And that is the great irony: if we depend on the feeling of being in love to keep us together, it will fail. But if we set that aside and focus on being loving, the feeling of being in love is sustained. Mature love is a verb, not an emotion.
My daughter was recently in her school's performance of Fiddler On The Roof. She was one of the daughters. If you don't know the story, it focuses on the changing culture of marriage, from one where the marriage is arrainged by family and community to one based on mutual attraction.
In one of the songs, the main character asks his wife if she loves him. She replies that for 25 years, she has shared his bed, made his meals, tended his house, raised his children -- so what kind of question is that? The point is that in their relationship, love wasn't even a question or consideration. But after some back-and-forth, they decide that, indeed, they love each other.
This led me to think about what I know about marriage. And here is what I think about the question of love and marriage: we fall in love to get together, then spend the rest of our lives learning to love the other.
You see, the initial attraction is really about "I." "I" feel a certain way, so I know I am "in love." But that part of the relationship is driven by my need to feel that way, my need to be with the other person, my need to have my needs met. My needs are fueled by my desire to feel the intense emotion of "being in love."
But in reality, love is a verb, something I do for the other. So, it takes the rest of my life to learn how to attend to my spouse's needs. From my desire to be with my spouse comes my desire to meet my spouse's love needs.
We are "fooled" into commitment by the overwhelming feeling of attraction, and then we have to put forth effort to create a sustained relationship. I say "fooled" because our culture has us believing that this love is the foundation of a relationship. It is not. It is merely a temporary starting point. It is not the destination. It is just a part of the journey to a lifetime relationship.
Those intense feelings will calm over time. The overwhelming need to be with someone that marks the infatuation portion of a relationship is not sustainable on its own. It's like placing a flame in a bottle. Eventually, the flame will burn all the oxygen in the bottle and be extinguished.
So, there has to be some "fueling of the fire." This is "love," the verb. When I act in loving ways, I fuel the fire and keep it burning. If I stop tending to the other's needs because I don't feel that infatuation, the relationship will slowly (or not so slowly) die away.
When we continue to believe that "love" (infatuation) is the heart of a relationship, when that feeling is gone, we believe we are no longer in love. That is not the case; we have just failed to fuel the fire.
Reality TV has proven that any two people, given the right circumstances and settings, can fall into love (chemistry of infatuation). But story after story shows that it is harder to make the switch to "true love" that comes from action. Choose action, and don't be fooled by chemistry.
By acting on love, by making love a verb and not an emotion, we keep the emotional fire stoked. And that is the great irony: if we depend on the feeling of being in love to keep us together, it will fail. But if we set that aside and focus on being loving, the feeling of being in love is sustained. Mature love is a verb, not an emotion.
