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Making Marriage Work Part 2

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Making Marriage Work, Part 2

(This is part 2 of a 5-part series on making marriage work)

Are you in a long-term relationship where you are either fighting a lot of the time or feeling distant, disconnected, and without passion? Or, do you find yourselves going along fine until a conflict arises, and then you canÂ’t seem to find way to resolve it? Do you either try to win by getting angry and defensive, or give in to avoid the otherÂ’s anger and defensiveness? Do you find yourself shut down, numbed out, or resistant much of the time? Do you and your partner love each other, but resentment is building because of all the unresolved conflicts and communication problems?

Relationship issues occur when the dual fears of loss of anotherÂ’s love (rejection) and loss of self (engulfment) have been triggered. Each of us has learned protective ways of trying to have control over getting the love we need and avoiding the pain we believe we canÂ’t handle. As soon as one of these fears is triggered, we automatically go into our learned ways of protecting against pain and trying to control the other person into being the way we want them to be. When we get angry, give in, withdraw or resist, this protective, controlling behavior often activates our partnerÂ’s protective controlling behavior. The interactions that follow may be filled with anger, blame, judgment, defensiveness, explaining, denying, withdrawal and resistance. Love does not flourish in the face of these difficult interactions.

In this series, I will show you how the 6-Step process of Inner Bonding can be used to completely change your relationship.

A simplified version of The Six Steps are:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

We will start with Step One of Inner Bonding: Willingness. In Step One, you choose to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling, addictive behavior.

You cannot change your automatic reactive behaviors until you become aware of the feelings of fear that trigger them.

What do you feel in your body when someone gets angry, blaming, or judgmental toward you?

What do you feel in your body when someone shuts down, withdraws, or becomes resistant toward you?

Take a moment to tune into your body and see what it feels like when your fears of rejection or engulfment become triggered. What happens in your stomach, your throat, your heart, your arms and legs? Does your body fill with adrenaline and go into the fight or flight reaction – the stress response?

You cannot begin to react differently when your fears of rejection or engulfment are triggered until you know that fear is being activated. You will unconsciously continue to respond with your learned protections until you become conscious of what you are protecting against.

We have all learned many ways of avoiding feeling and being conscious of our feelings. All addictive behavior – substance abuse, process addictions, reactive behavior toward others, and judgmental thoughts toward ourselves – are ways of avoiding feeling the deep loneliness, as well as helplessness over the other person’s behavior and feelings, that is at the core of all addictive behaviors. When your partner behaves in some rejecting or controlling way toward you, this deep loneliness and helplessness is activated. But these are such difficult feelings to feel that most of us will turn to our learned addictive behaviors to avoid them. We will either try to have control over the other person by getting angry, judgmental or giving in, or we will try to control the pain of the loneliness with substance and process addictions.

The only way out of this is to be willing to feel the very challenging feelings of loneliness and helplessness over others and learn to manage these feelings rather than avoid them. If you were to learn to accept and manage these feelings rather than turn to your learned protective controlling behaviors, you would begin to change the dysfunctional relationship system that may be eroding your marriage.

The Six-Step Inner Bonding process is a process for moving out of your automatic reactive behavior and into kindness and compassion toward yourself and your partner. The remaining articles in this series will show you how to do this.
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BONUS : Making Marriage Work, Part 3

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

We will now move on to Step Two: Choosing the intent to learn.

In Step Two, you open to learning about the your thoughts, beliefs and behavior that are causing your pain. You let go of believing that it is your partner who is causing your pain and you are willing to take full, 100% responsibility for your feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, numbness, guilt, shame, aloneness or depression. In Step Two, you open to your Higher Self so that you can compassionately embrace your painful feelings and learn about what you may be doing to cause them.

For example, Joan feels angry, alone, rejected and abandoned because Justin spends a lot of time at work. Joan has been nagging Justin, judging him for his long hours and blaming him for her feelings. The result of this is that Justin has gotten even busier. He is obviously going into resistance, not wanting to be controlled by Joan.

Joan is using her anger and blame to avoid feeling her pain. She is addicted to having her eyes on Justin and making him responsible for her feelings. When he spends time with her, she feels happy and worthy, and when he doesnÂ’t she feels anxious and insecure.

If Joan were to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, she would start with Step One - welcoming and compassionately embracing her anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. She would be with these feelings just as a loving parent would be with a hurting child – with deep kindness and compassion toward herself.

Then, instead of going into her usual protective, controlling behavior of blaming Justin for her feelings with her anger, nagging and complaining, she would move to Step Two, opening her heart to learning about what she might be telling herself and how she might be treating herself that is actually causing her own pain. She would open to her older, wiser inner self, her Higher Self, to help her stay open to learning. She would choose to be curious about her own beliefs and behavior, rather than judgmental toward Justin or herself.

When Joan moves into Step Two, she is moving out of being a victim and into personal responsibility. This intent shift will immediately begin to change the interactions between Joan and Justin. When Joan shifts her intention from trying to control Justin with her anger, blame and complaints to learning about herself, her energy will completely shift. Justin will actually feel this energy shift, even if he is not in the same room as Joan. Energy is not local. We all unconsciously pick up when others are angry with us and when they are accepting and loving.

This intention shift is vital for healing a troubled relationship. As long as your eyes are on your partner and you are trying to get your partner to change to make you feel better, you will continue to have a dysfunctional relationship. At those times when you are willing to feeling your feelings and open to learning about how you are causing them, you will notice that your relationship quickly improves.

The shift out of trying to control your partner and into learning about loving yourself is one of the most major shifts you can make in your relationship.

In Parts 4 and 5, I will continue through the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, showing you how Joan uses these powerful Steps to heal her relationship with Justin.
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