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Infidelity How My Marriage Made Me Do It Is A Cop Out
Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. Weve grown apart. I cant stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened.
These statements are rationalizations and fail to get at the underlying issues.
Key points:
1. Its as if a marriage is an animal gone bad. A marriage does not have a life of its own. In reality, there is no such thing as a marriage. One is married as a result of making some promises and signing a paper at one point. After the paper is signed, two people continue communicating and acting toward one another in particular ways that they hope will help them get what they individually want. Just as there is no marriage, there is no such thing as a relationship. There are, however, ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember the comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his The devil made me do it skit?
2. We idealize marriage or romantic relationships with the expectation we will get what we want, without much effort to boot. The movies, popular public press and romance novels/stories dont help much here. A marriage is behind the eight ball from the word go. IT cant win.
3. From day one most of us dont have a clue about how to get, build, nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of relating. We need love 101 and its not there. We rely upon experimentation or bad models.
4. If the marriage is dead, why in the world would one choose to have an affair? Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. It really is stupid. You add a whole layer of deceit and shame that eventually will result in consequences more dire than approaching your spouse and saying, Im really unhappy. What Im doing with you obviously is not working. I want out. Oh well, maybe some people need more problems and suffering.
5. If the marriage is bad, obviously, I dont have to look at me. I can blame it or the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us dont know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking at me.
Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair and blames it on the marriage, dont buy into it. The marriage is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy.
The My Marriage Made Me Do It is just one of 7 affairs outlined in my E-book, Break Free From the Affair. For more information on the issues behind the other kinds of affairs and tips for dealing with them, visit my site.
BONUS : Infidelity: Spying Is Not Revenge
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, dont act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some evidence does carry weight in particular states or districts.
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, dont act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some evidence does carry weight in particular states or districts.
