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How To Save Your Marriage
< < < How To Save A Marriage
Marriage can be full of joy, but it can also be full of pain. For some couples, it seems the joy has been gone for so long that it is impossible to ever get it back. But it doesnÂ’t have to be that way. When it comes to how to save your marriage, there are a lot of things you can do to start getting your relationship back on track. But you must be willing to look at yourself and make the necessary changes. Change isnÂ’t easy, but if how to save your marriage is really a priority for you, then keep reading.
What are you bringing to the relationship?
One of the first things you need to do when it comes to how to save your marriage is to sit down and make a list of what you are actually contributing to the relationship. This is not a list for things like making money to pay the mortgage, or cleaning the house, or doing the grocery shopping.
Rather, in what ways are you making the relationship good or bad? Are you constantly nit-picking at your spouseÂ’s short-comings? Do you express heartfelt appreciation frequently that your spouse is in your life, or for the wonderful things your spouse does for you? Are you supportive? Do you listen when your partner needs to talk about something that is bothering him or her? Are you loving and affectionate?
Your marriage is like a bank account. You are either making deposits into it or withdrawing from the account. If you are mostly making withdrawals, the bank account will eventually run dry. You must be making plenty of deposits also if you learning how to save your marriage is important to you.
Is your marriage a two-way street, or must everything always be on your terms?
Some people donÂ’t know how to be in a relationship without trying to control it. If you are the type of person who has to have everything happen on your terms, then you are not only being incredibly selfish, you are also treating your spouse with disrespect. And maybe your spouse has put up with it for a long time, but if how to save your marriage is a concern for you, chances are it is because your spouse has had enough.
A marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a dictatorship in which one person calls all the shots and expects the other to “obey”. Attempting to control your spouse will usually foster resentment. Your spouse is a separate human being whose wants and needs may not always coincide with yours. Compromise is essential to a good marriage. Honoring and respecting his or her feelings, wants and needs instead will go a long way towards creating a healthier, more loving relationship.
Are you being passive-aggressive in your marriage?
While controlling behavior is very destructive to a relationship, passive-aggressive behavior is as well. Passive-aggressive individuals attempt to get their needs met in very unhealthy ways. Rather than speaking up and expressing their true needs or feelings, they say one thing and then act in a way which subtly or not so subtly contradicts it, usually in an attempt to get back at the other person.
For example, a passive-aggressive wife may tell her husband its fine if he wants to spend the day golfing with his friends. However, in actuality she is not happy about it all and decides to get back at him by “accidentally” putting a new red shirt in the wash with his underwear as she does laundry that day. Needless to say, this is also destructive to a marriage and defeats the goal of how to save a marriage.
These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you are worried about your marriage. The only person you can change is yourself, so if you are wondering how to save a marriage, you must start with making changes in how you interact with your spouse. As you make positive changes, you will likely find that your spouse does also.
< < < How To Save A Marriage
BONUS : How To Survive Your SpouseÂ’s Affair
In order to restore a relationship after your spouse has had an affair you may try the ploy:
"But I've changed, I'm a different person."
And your behavior may have actually changed - some of the time.
You mistakenly may continue to accommodate in different ways or change your behavior to fit your perception of what he/she wants.
Here are some problems with this strategy:
You, most likely, have not changed at all but, rather, are in a
reactive mode by responding to your difficult situation by "grabbing at straws." There is nothing really wrong with this. However, these changes usually lack staying power because they are born out of
reactivity.
You and your spouse both know it. Chances are that you will regress to your usual patterns as soon as the heat's off; your spouse intuitively knows this. He/she, most likely, thinks: "This will never last;" then becomes very suspicious.
Also, your changes may be seen by your spouse as your attempt to manipulate him/her. He/she may perceive your changes as a Sneaky strategy to get him/her to re-commit.
Your spouse may start feeling "cornered" and will most likely resent them, even though they are what he/she has been demanding throughout your marriage. Then even more alienation may emerge.
In this scenario you will lose respect and your spouse will not believe you or even know what to believe ABOUT you. By this time, s/he is very confused about what s/he wants and by trying on altered behaviors, you only add to that confused feeling. You become CONFUSING.
People don't want others trying to placate them. And if that is not true of your spouse as well, you may have to re-evaluate his/her fitness to be a mate.
Generally, spouses don't respect the placation strategy because there doesn't appear to be any "backbone." There doesn't appear to be any core self.
That is not very attractive.
The spouse often says something like: If you really can change so
easily now, why didn't you change when I wanted you to years ago?
I'm afraid it's too late now.
Sadness or resentment often emerges at this point when s/he encounters
your new behavior, thinking about what might have been, but
is no longer "possible." Also, spouses having affairs often blame them on the betrayed spouse and/or bad marriage ... don't buy into it. Where circumstances and others can influence what we do, they don't control it. Both spouses must take responsibility for their own behavior, right or wrong!
The best approach is to calmly re-commit yourselves to staying married within a framework of both of you assuming a fair share of your own responsibility for the problems and the solution. If that cannot be done independently it should be done through marriage counseling.
Copyright, Shery, 2006
In order to restore a relationship after your spouse has had an affair you may try the ploy:
"But I've changed, I'm a different person."
And your behavior may have actually changed - some of the time.
You mistakenly may continue to accommodate in different ways or change your behavior to fit your perception of what he/she wants.
Here are some problems with this strategy:
You, most likely, have not changed at all but, rather, are in a
reactive mode by responding to your difficult situation by "grabbing at straws." There is nothing really wrong with this. However, these changes usually lack staying power because they are born out of
reactivity.
You and your spouse both know it. Chances are that you will regress to your usual patterns as soon as the heat's off; your spouse intuitively knows this. He/she, most likely, thinks: "This will never last;" then becomes very suspicious.
Also, your changes may be seen by your spouse as your attempt to manipulate him/her. He/she may perceive your changes as a Sneaky strategy to get him/her to re-commit.
Your spouse may start feeling "cornered" and will most likely resent them, even though they are what he/she has been demanding throughout your marriage. Then even more alienation may emerge.
In this scenario you will lose respect and your spouse will not believe you or even know what to believe ABOUT you. By this time, s/he is very confused about what s/he wants and by trying on altered behaviors, you only add to that confused feeling. You become CONFUSING.
People don't want others trying to placate them. And if that is not true of your spouse as well, you may have to re-evaluate his/her fitness to be a mate.
Generally, spouses don't respect the placation strategy because there doesn't appear to be any "backbone." There doesn't appear to be any core self.
That is not very attractive.
The spouse often says something like: If you really can change so
easily now, why didn't you change when I wanted you to years ago?
I'm afraid it's too late now.
Sadness or resentment often emerges at this point when s/he encounters
your new behavior, thinking about what might have been, but
is no longer "possible." Also, spouses having affairs often blame them on the betrayed spouse and/or bad marriage ... don't buy into it. Where circumstances and others can influence what we do, they don't control it. Both spouses must take responsibility for their own behavior, right or wrong!
The best approach is to calmly re-commit yourselves to staying married within a framework of both of you assuming a fair share of your own responsibility for the problems and the solution. If that cannot be done independently it should be done through marriage counseling.
Copyright, Shery, 2006
