Are You In Control Of Your Children Or Are You Just A Controlling

Are You In Control Of Your Children Or Are You Just A Controlling Parent?

When it comes to our children we do need to be the ones in control. We are responsible for their safety and well being of course. But we are also the ones that need to teach them independence, good decision making skills, and build their self esteem at the same time. Learn to pick your battles and your whole family will run smoother and everyone will be much happier.

First off does it really matter if your child wears red striped pants with a blue polka dotted shirt? If we are going to church or somewhere special then yes I would prefer that my daughter at least somewhat match, but if we are at home or just running to the store I let her pick her own clothes as long as they are weather appropriate. Yes I get some funny looks but I will have my revenge later because I of course take pictures of all the colorful clothing combinations she has chosen and will be able to tease her about them later. My mom did the same thing with me, she has this wonderful picture of me with orange and pink flowered pants and a green and blue striped shirt.

Does it really matter if every corner of her room is picked up each and every day? I say no, she has an area where she does her "projects" and I personally see no reason why that can't be a little messy at times. But we do have a hard and fast rule that once a week the room is totally cleaned and any toys or books must be picked up from other areas of the house before bed. She wins and I win.

When it comes down to doing an arts and crafts project you need to be prepared to throw out the directions sometimes. If their imagination takes them to a different place than the directions then so what. Most of the time you are doing arts and crafts for them to have fun anyway, so why stifle them and make it less fun. My daughter wanted to do a scrapbook so I got all the necessary stuff and as it turns out she really just wanted to make a book of her different "creations" using glue, markers, glitter, and other craft supplies. So what, I put up the photographs and she had a great time and I had a blast watching and helping her when asked.

My daughter likes to help me bake cakes, her favorite part is stirring the batter. Sometimes a little slops over but oh well, she will eventually get better at it especially if I don't berate her and continue to let her help me. I have found that with practice she is getting better at neatly adding ingredients and stirring.

Basically what I am saying is you cannot expect perfection from your children. It just isn't going to happen. They need to practice the skills you are teaching them and sometimes they will make mistakes. Don't get me wrong if they are being naughty then by all means take control and dish out the appropriate discipline, but if they are making mistakes because they are trying to learn then a little encouragement and patience will go a long way.

We also all want to teach our children to be independent and sometimes they are going to show their independence a little too strongly for our tastes. That is when you need to make the decision is this a battle I need to control or is it just not a big deal?

After all just because you are the parent and in control does not mean you have to "win" each time you and your child disagree.

Remember the parenting skills you are using now are the ones your children will probably use when they raise your grandchildren. You might also want to keep in mind that someday when you are older the roles may get reversed and your children will be the ones "in control" of you.

BONUS : Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You?

Rachael is the young mother of Nathan, who just turned two. Rachael is a stay-at-home mother who works part-time at home and has the help of a housekeeper five days a week. Rachael consulted with me because of her problems with Nathan.

“When Nathan is with David (her husband), he’s fine. He adores David and listens well to him. When he’s with Amalia (her housekeeper), he’s fine. He loves her and plays calmly with her. But when he’s with me, he’s impossible. He throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He goes to sleep easily at night for David but not for me. I want so much to be a good mother and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I never get angry with him but sometimes I feel like throwing him across the room! I need help!”

“Rachael, when you are with Nathan, what do you think is more important to you – to get him to love you or to be loving to yourself?”

Rachael replied instantly. “To get him to love me. I never think about loving myself. I just want him to love me. If he loves me, then I know that I’m a good mother.”

“And what does it say about you if you are a good mother?”

“It means that I’m okay,”

“So you have handed to Nathan the job of defining your worth. He has to love you for you to be okay. What do you think is most important to David?”

“Oh, David takes good care of himself. He really doesn’t seem concerned about whether or not Nathan loves him. He’s very loving to Nathan, but if David wants to eat dinner when Nathan want to play with him, he just eat dinner and Nathan seems to accept it. If I want to have my breakfast when Nathan wants to play, Nathan has a tantrum.”

“Rachael, Nathan has learned that he can manipulate you because you are so concerned with how he feels about you. As long as his loving you is more important to you than taking loving care of yourself, he will be able to manipulate you. This is not good for him or for you. It is too big a burden on him to have the responsibility of defining your worth. As long as your worth is attached to being a good mother, Nathan will be able to manipulate you.”

“I can see that. Amalia is like David. If she has work to do, she just expects Nathan to play by himself, and he does. She loves him, but she is firm about what she needs to do. I can see that I give in all the time because I don’t want him to be upset with me. What can I do now to change this?”

“First of all, you need to consciously detach your worth from being a good mother. You need to do some inner work on defining your worth separately from being a mother. Your sense of worth needs to be attached to who you are – your kindness, compassion, empathy, warmth, aliveness. You need to take responsibility for defining your own worth rather than making Nathan, David, or anyone else responsible.

“Second, you need to care about taking care of yourself as much as you care about taking care of Nathan. Nathan is a brat with you because you don’t care about yourself when you are with him, so he has learned to not care about you. You are teaching him not to care about you when you do not care about yourself.”

“Okay, I think I get this. I’m really going to try to do it differently.”

Next week when we spoke in our phone session, Rachael reported that things had already dramatically changed. Nathan was listening to her, going right to sleep when she put him down, and seemed happier in general. His tantrums had not yet completely stopped, but they were far fewer. Rachael, too, felt happier because she was finally taking care of herself and her own needs. For the first time since giving birth to Nathan, she was having some time to herself.