Are Chat Rooms A Menace To Your Children

Are Chat Rooms A Menace To Your Children?

My answer would be: yes, with qualifications.

I've been running internet chat rooms since 1998, at http://www.tigertom.com/chat_rooms.htm. Nothing fancy. The software was freely available. I just had to make some important modifications: adding bad word filters and automated 'kicking' (ejection from the rooms).

You think free speech is a good thing, until you read what anonymous, malevolent young men say to fifteen-year-old girls. It isn't Shakespeare, let me tell you that.

That's another key point: anonymity. A pillar of the free speech argument. Let freedom fighters and the repressed masses have their say! Except it's more likely a twenty-five-year-old sociopath pretending to be sixteen and making young girls cry with his sickening profanity.

Free from all morés, and safe from physical retribution, we see the contents of the subconscious pour forth unrestrained. And a hellish stream of psychic sewage it is.

This can be combated by bad word filters and having human moderators. The most important shield of all, I think, is education. "Don't take candy from strangers", "You don't need drugs until you're ill", and now: "Don't bandy words with trolls" (people who deliberately upset other internet users with provocative language).

Most chat rooms now have an 'ignore' function. It's a bit like the hooligan in the street: he's *looking* for a reaction; if you ignore him, it's infuriating. To him. You glide on by, figuratively speaking, while he rants on unheard.

Parents should take an interest in what their children are doing online. See if you can find out what service they've joined, and join up yourself; get a taste of it. Teenagers define themselves as adults-to-be by choosing a different path to their parents: if you are conservative, they'll try liberalism, and vice-versa.

Therefore, you shouldn't try to join in with their activities as an equal; just keep informed.

They may gripe, but secretly they're glad you care. A parent who lets their child do whatever they want gives them no standard to measure themselves against.

Another problem with basic chat rooms is that you can develop an intense relationship with someone you can't see and haven't met in the flesh; there's a fantasy element. Your thoughts pour forth freely, you believe you've met a soul mate. You may even meet them, and the illusion continues ...

... until you eventually realise he or she is just a human being after all, and breaks wind like everyone else.

There is hope, however. With the advent of cheap digital video cameras, internet telephony and broadband, people will be less able to hide: "What do you mean, you're shy? You weren't shy a minute ago!". Old-fashioned, sensible prejudices will assert themselves: "Soooo, 'Zorro' from Cambridge is really fat, spotty Darren from Dartford ... next!". eap digital video cameras, internet telephony and broadband, people will be less able to hide: "What do you mean, you're shy? You weren't shy a minute ago!". Old-fashioned, sensible prejudices will assert themselves: "Soooo, 'Zorro' from Cambridge is really fat, spotty Darren from Dartford ... next!".

BONUS : Are You Addicted To Your Children?

Is it possible to be using our children addictively?

Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain, and fill up inner emptiness can become an addiction – even our children! If your children are your whole life – if you don’t have a strong spiritual connection with a personal source of love and guidance, as well as other relationships and interests that you are passionate about, you might be using your children to fill an empty place within you.

If you don’t have a partner or your relationship with your partner is not fulfilling to you, and you don’t have deeply connected and meaningful friendships, then you might be using your kids as your major emotional connection. If you don’t have hobbies or work that are compelling and fulfilling to you, you might be using your children to give meaning to your life. If you don’t have a daily spiritual practice that brings love and comfort to your soul, you might be using your children to fill this need.

If this is what you are doing, it is not good for your children. It is a huge burden on children to be responsible for their parent’s loneliness and sense of purpose. Children who feel this responsibility often become caretakers, giving themselves up to take care of a parent. On the other hand, a child burdened with this responsibility may rebel and distance from the parent, spending less and less time at home to avoid the burden of the parent’s emptiness.

I grew up as an only child with a mother who had nothing fulfilling in her life – other than me. Her whole focus was on me, and because I couldn’t possibly fill her up in the way she needed to be filled, she was often angry at me. I became a good little girl, a good caretaker of my mother, but the result was that I was a nervous and unhappy child, and wanted to be away from my house as much as possible.

Our children need to be a part of our life, not our whole life. We need to role-model for them what it looks like to take personal responsibility for filling ourselves up. We need to show them what it looks like to take responsibility for making ourselves happy, rather than rely on them for our happiness. Your children want to know that they are important to you, but not so important that your well-being is dependent upon them. You might want to explore the following questions to see if you may be using your children addictively:

* Do you have a solid spiritual practice that fills you with a sense of peace and gives meaning to your life?

* Are you expressing your particular talents in a way that feels meaningful and productive to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment?

* Do you have fulfilling emotional connections with other adults – a partner, other family members or friends?

If you answered “yes” to these, then you are probably not using your children addictively.

* Do you feel bored and useless when your children are not around? Is it your children that give your life meaning?

* Is your sense of worth attached to your children’s achievements? Do you tend to take it personally if one of your children has a problem?

* Are you over-involved in your children’s lives?

* Are you overly sensitive if one of our children is angry or distant? Do you find yourself trying to pacify your children rather than set appropriate limits in order to avoid their rejection?

* Did you choose to have children to share the fullness of your love or did you have children in the hopes of getting love from them?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, then there is a good possibility that you are using your children addictively. If this is the case, the best thing you can do for you and your children is to move yourself toward a solid spiritual practice, look for meaningful ways of expressing your talents, and develop emotional connection and support from other adults.