The Root Of Attachment Challenges Trauma Trauma Trauma

The Root Of Attachment Challenges…trauma, Trauma, Trauma!

Many children with severe behaviors such as chronic lying, stealing, aggressiveness, defiance, setting fires, bed wetting, poor parental relationships, etc., are increasingly being diagnosed as having an attachment disorder. Though having a label may initially give parents some relief in being able to identify the condition their child is struggling with, typically, it only creates a scenario for frustration, guilt, blame and resentment. Unfortunately, a diagnosis in the mental health profession is rarely a positive thing. No parent wants a child with a diagnosis because it implies some inherent defect of the child. To have your child labeled as having Reactive Attachment Disorder will typically not bring a parent any heightened sense of relief. We must begin to understand the children demonstrating such serious behaviors as the ones listed, among many others, have all typically experienced some degree of trauma. Historically, our understanding of trauma has been limited to the horrible experiences depicted in the media; however, trauma occurs in many more situations that we are not even remotely aware of. Especially as it regards small children, trauma can occur through the adoption process, foster care, loss of a parent, frequent moves or caregivers, prolonged illness, divorce, parental depression, automobile accidents, and the list goes on and on. We must understand that trauma is any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. When we have not had an opportunity to cry, talk, scream, grieve, and mourn a traumatic event, sometimes repetitively, that experience has the ability to impact us throughout the rest of our lives. When a traumatic event has occurred early in a child’s life, it can have an impact on the system responsible for helping him to handle stress, respond appropriately to fear, and form lasting attachments with others. This system is referred to as the regulatory system. When this system is impaired, it leaves the child stuck in a pervasive state of fear and easily overwhelmed by the seemingly mundane task of daily life. Rather than being disordered in attachment relationships, the child is extremely challenged in the presence of stress within any relationship.

The Influence of Early Relationships
Our earliest relationships create blueprints for all of our future relationships. These early experiences in relationships create the lens through which we view others. Every interaction that we have with another individual is influenced by our own personal past experiences. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, espoused that the first three years of our lives establish the blueprints for all of our future relationships. Upon reflecting at the differences between my sister’s earliest relationship blueprints and my own, it is not difficult to determine that at even such an early age, she was already imprinted on a physiologic level to view human relationships as not safe. When we consider trauma in the lives of children it is important to realize that the majority of traumatic experiences occurring in their lives typically involves some aspect of human relationship. If a child has been abused, battered, or neglected by the individual that is supposed to love her most, then what would make subsequent relationships appear any safer? From infancy to adulthood my sister and parents struggled to be attached. The legendary attachment pediatricians, Marshall Klaus and John Kennel, inform us that attachment is the behavior of the child to the parent, and bonding is the behavior of the parent to the child. In the mental health profession, we have fostered an imbalance of influence. A child cannot develop attachment with a parent struggling to bond. Thus, unwittingly, an almost impossible task was set in motion between my sister and my parents. Regardless of the trauma issues that my sister carried into the family, my own parents equally brought their own. As you can imagine, the family experience, the experience I refer to as the ‘secret life of the family’ was not very attractive.

The Role of Stress in A Child's Life
Stress is a very natural and necessary aspect of who we are. We need stress just to live, but when stress becomes overwhelming or is not interrupted, it can damage not only family relationships, but it can also damage the brain. Looking back now I realize that I excelled socially, academically, and athletically. Internally, I struggled to live in a world I viewed as overwhelming. To compensate I lied, stole, cheated, manipulated, set fires, killed animals, and occasionally bullied other children. Because I was intelligent, many of the adults never had a clue. My sister, on the other hand, struggled both internally and externally. Externally, she failed socially, academically and athletically. There were frequent fights at home brought about by what my parents had learned discipline was to be like for all children. They didn’t understand that this child was different. They took it personally having a withdrawn and immature child who preferred playing with children far younger than herself. It wasn’t their fault or hers. Her only means of communicating her anxiety and depression was through behavior. Such communication repelled most and led to relationships being based in fear and rejection. My parents, with hopes of having the family they had dreamed of, felt insecure, hopeless, and overwhelmed by the task at hand. These children were difficult; at least one of them was anyway. And the other had his moments, but so much less frequently they thought. Our family lived and struggled each day. My sister continues to struggle, continue to live out those early blueprints and recurring negative relationships. I continue to struggle, yet have been able to put life into perspective, not by any personal remarkable efforts, but by having more positive relationships than negative ones. As my mother says, “We just didn’t understand.”

Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.

BONUS : The Secrets To Improving Kids' Behaviour

Most parents at some stage are driven to distraction by one or more of their children’s annoying habits or behaviours, whether it is a toddler who continually whines, a school-aged child who leaves clothes lying around or a teenager who uses a less than pleasant vocabulary.

How to affect change is a challenge for many parents. Do you ignore a child’s annoying behaviour or do you pick up on it? A useful rule of thumb is to pick up on behaviours that are dangerous to the child himself or significantly infringe on the rights and comfort of others.

Also ask yourself: Is this behaviour reasonable for the child’s age? For instance, it is reasonable to expect an eight year old not to disturb you while you are on the phone for twenty minutes but it is not reasonable to expect the same of a two year old.

It is also useful to take into account the child’s current state of mind and what is going in on their lives that may be related to some unusual behaviour to occur at home.

The following four principles for changing your child’s behaviour will be effective if you are both patient and persistent.

Principle one: Change your initial response first. This is important because children’s behaviour generally requires a pay-off, which may be your attention or an attempt to defeat you. The most important principle about changing children’s behaviour is to change your own behaviour first.So if your child' whines (a child's version of water torture) to get his own way refrain from answering back or giving in.

Principle two: Practise with your child the behaviour that you want. The notion of behaviour rehearsal is fundamental to learning a new behaviour. Don’t just tell kids what you expect, get them to practise the behaviour you want. In the example of a young whiner - get him to practise asking for help or a treat in a normal voice.

Principle three: Minimise the behaviour you don’t want. That means when children continue their old behaviour despite your brilliant suggestions ignore it, sidestep it or implement a consequence but don’t nag or harp on it. Remember it takes time often to change a behaviour, particularly if it has been happening for a long time.

Principle four: Spotlight the appropriate behaviour. When your children behave in the desired way show your sincere appreciation. We often take children for granted or rather we are trained to give children no attention when they are good, but plenty when they are less than perfect. The behaviours we focus on expand so we need to focus our attention on desirable behaviours more than on the negative behaviours. For our young whiner it is essential to make a fuss when he uses a normal voice to get what he wants.

Like any process it will only work if you stick to it and follow it through. And don’t be afraid to adapt it to suit your circumstances. Remember, it is the fact that you have a plan rather than the nature of the plan that is most powerful in achieving a change in your children’s behaviour.

For practical ideas to make children's irritating behaviours such as whining, nagging, tantrums and sibling fighting disappear read Michael Grose's ground-breaking book - One Step Ahead. It is available at the shop at www.parentingideas.com.au

Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print. For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.