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Tapping Your Child S Inner Motivation

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Tapping Your Child's Inner Motivation

This article addresses some practical questions raised by parents in response to my suggestion that praising too much is actually counter-productive while trying to motivate our children.

-- But if I’m not praising and not punishing, what do I do instead? --

Try simply communicating your sincere admiration, gratitude, and appreciation when it arises. When your child does something admirable, let him know how you feel. “Wow! Do I count 20 towers on that sand castle?!” instead of “Good building, Johnny!” The difference is that when you admire or appreciate, you join him in his experience and there’s an alignment. When you praise, you derail his train and bring it over to your track.

When you are grateful for your child’s help, say so. When she shares a little known fact that she learned at school, your interest and attention are the reward. Becoming a valued and contributing member of the family and society is much more of a reinforcement than grades or a gold stars.

Try treating your child like you’d treat an adult neighbor or coworker. I don’t see my neighbors getting smiley stickers when they shovel their driveway or weed their garden, even if they do a really good job. And no one says, “Good gardening, Joe!”

Nonetheless, a well-maintained yard is a pleasure for the whole neighborhood, and I can let them know that I enjoy the fruits of their labors without praising them. A quiet and sincere comment of acknowledgment and appreciation goes a long way.

The difference lies in the intention. Kids recognize from a mile away that praise is really a sugarcoated agenda. Most of them prefer and respond positively to sincerity. Wouldn’t you?

--But if I stop giving rewards they won’t be motivated to do anything! --

We each do dozens of things every day for no external reward. We sew or knit or paint or do woodworking just for fun. We strive to decrease our time or improve our score just for the thrill of growth and mastery. We wash dishes so we can eat from clean plates later. We stop at red lights even when there are no police cars in sight, because we want to arrive at our destination in one piece.

Babies learn to walk because their developing bodies drive them to do so, not because we clap and cheer at their first steps! It really is ok to leave them alone with their process. I’m not saying we can’t share in their delight. But they learn to walk even without any gold stars.

Doesn’t this make you wonder how many other accomplishments might be motivated by a similar internal drive if given the chance? Wouldn’t it be great to just relax and trust this intrinsic impulse?

If this subject intrigues you, be sure to check out the book Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn. It’s a fascinating read!

copyright karen alonge 2006
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BONUS : Teach Kids About Money And Saving - The 10 Vital Lessons Your Child Must Learn!

Your 5-year-old daughter has started asking for money to buy sweets and toys. She obviously has a good understanding of the concept of exchanging money for items she wants or needs, but what are the important lessons you should teach kids about money and saving. You want to make sure that she doesn't grow up into one of those kids that are constantly pestering mom and dad for money, running up credit card debts as a teenager, and not having any idea how to save.

There are 10 basic money skills that every child should learn before they enter the teenage years. It's never too late to learn, but most children are far more receptive to ideas from their parents before they hit the age of thirteen, than after.

1. Money doesn't grow on trees! One of the best known and oldest quotes around. It is important that children understand from early on that money is a limited resource, that mom & dad's bank account will eventually run dry if they keep making withdrawals from it.

2. People go to work to earn money. Money is something that needs to be earned, you are never going to become financially secure sitting around not doing anything, and expecting handouts from people.

3. Credit cards are a form of borrowing. Believe it or not, surveys have shown that an alarmingly high number of teenagers don't realise that credit cards are a form of borrowing. If they don't understand this basic concept, it leaves them at risk of running up crippling credit card debts.

4. Avoid borrowing money where possible. Wherever possible, money should be saved rather than borrowed as borrowing attracts extra costs such as interest, which can in some circumstances, double the amount of money you need to repay.

5. There is good debt & bad debt. No debt is really all that good, but some forms of debt will make you money while others cost you money. Good debt can include a home loan, investment loan or business loan, as these items have a tendency to make money above the amount of interest you have to pay. Bad debt can include credit cards, personal loans or car loans, as these items never make you any money.

6. If you don't have the cash to buy something, then you can't afford it.

7. Spend less than you earn. Many people these days are spending 10% to 20% above what they earn, creating a vicious cycle of high credit card interest rates, long hours at work to pay the credit cards & in some cases bankruptcy. The knowledge of how to budget your money seems to have been lost, make sure your child learns this important lesson!

8. A portion of your money should be given to the needy. Around 10% of your money should be given to those who are in need/charities.

9. Pay yourself first. This is what I call your sanity money! Allow 10% of your money for yourself to spend however you wish.

10. Save at least 10% of your money. Like budgeting, the skill of saving money seems to have been lost over the last 20 years, with fewer people than ever before regularly saving a proportion of their income.

With these lessons well and truly learnt, your child should have no problem managing their finances in a proper manner, and avoiding the credit trap. Don't risk your child becoming one of the hundreds of thousands of young adults that go bankrupt each year!
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"La Méthode en 10 Jours pour en Finir avec les Crises"
de Daniel LAMBERT

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