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Sticks And Stones: Are You Unintentionally Driving Your Child Away?
So I was sitting in my office surfing the web, uh, I mean, working, when a voice on the street in front of my house attracted my attention. Being the nosy and ever vigilant I-work-from-home-so-I-know-everything-that-happens-around-here sort of busybody, I jumped right to the window to preserve my know-it-all status.
Two boys, from the size of them probably in ninth or tenth grade, were sitting on their bikes in the middle of the street talking to a woman in a red minivan.
At first I thought, oh, how sweet, they are giving her directions! And then her voice rang out strong and clear. She pointed her finger at the taller one. (Ever notice how uncomfortable it is to be pointed at? Its like the finger is a ray gun, and directs all that icky stuff right at you in a powerful stream.)
Anyway, up into my window comes her voice. AND YOU! YOU GET YOURSELF HOME RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND CLEAN UP THAT ROOM!! ITS A PIGSTY, YOU LAZY A--.
And then she sped away. He shouted out MOM! and tapped on the side window of the van as it left, but she zoomed ahead without looking back.
Sheepishly, with hunched shoulders and downcast eyes, he and his buddy turned their bikes towards home. I felt so keenly his embarrassment at being humiliated in front of his friend. I couldnt hear what else he said, but I did hear him repeat the words that broke my heart, and surprisingly, not with anger in his voice, but with sadness.
Lazy a--
Now, I dont know what kind of day she just had. Maybe her boss called her names. Maybe the baby is sick and shes worried. And as little as a few months ago, I would have been much more compassionate about trying to figure out how much pain must be inside a person to lead them to do something so nasty.
But lately, my take on lifes been getting real simple. It doesnt matter what kind of day she had. Nothing can possibly justify the way she just spoke to her child.
We all have bad days. We all experience pain, and at times revert to repeating unconscious behaviors. Thats part of being human. But theres more available to us in our human packages. There are things we can do, decisions we can make, standards we can set for our own behavior.
And I propose that one of those standards for parents should be that under no circumstances will we allow ourselves to degrade and belittle our children by calling them names.
I want to leave the legacy of clear and effective communication to the next generation. I want them to inherit a world where people have the skills to communicate their feelings and needs, and make requests, without belittling others. If they cant inherit that world, then I at least hope they can inherit the tools and wisdom to create it.
And Im so disappointed to be reminded that all over the country, children tonight will be told in no uncertain terms who they are. Lazy, stupid, cruel, insensitive, incapable. The list goes on and on.
Heres my proposal. (yeah, I know, Im preaching to the choir. But you guys are here in front of me. I hope you take this message and spread it in your own way out into the world.)
Lets take a collective vow not to pass this toxic garbage on to our kids. If you have a bad day, thats a real shame, and Im sorry. Let it die out with you. Dont dump it on your spouse or your kids or your dog. Clear it out of your body with physical activity, writing, screaming, or venting to a willing listener, not just whoever is unfortunate enough to get in your way.
If you cannot resist the temptation to tell your child who he is, then please, tell him good things! This will require a Herculean effort to pause before speaking and check your intention. Is what you are about to say meant to uplift your child? Good. Go for it. Is it meant to control, manipulate, or purge your anger? Zip your lip.
Go away. Dont say it.
Simple, but not easy. And no single effort will pay off more in your relationship with your child. Or others of significance in your life, for that matter.
Need more convincing? How much longer will that lanky teenage boy tolerate that kind of treatment from his mother? When will he deliver her garbage back to her? Want to bet hes counting the days until hes old enough to move away from her and not look back? And how will he treat her if someday shes dependent upon him for eldercare?
Its said that how you do one thing is how you do everything. So how you talk to your child might be how you are talking to yourself, your coworkers, and your spouse. You all deserve better. Stop. Separate the behavior from the person. State your needs and make a request for a change. Take appropriate action, which is always about you, and never about them.
I cant find that woman out there and tell her what is happening to her relationship with her precious child. Even if I could, theres no guarantee that this information would lead to a change in her behavior or choices. All I can do is tell you about this, and hope that both you and I can use this birds eye view to strengthen our resolve to be the kind of parents who know and do better than that.
Copyright Karen Alonge 2005
BONUS : Stop Lying Now
Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying to you, even though he or she is normally a good child? Sometimes the lies are even about things that dont really matter or your child continues to lie in the face of overwhelming proof to the contrary?
It is my firm belief that we will not end lying behavior in our children until we take away the consequences for telling the truth. This is a concept explored in greater detail within Nancy Bucks book, Peaceful Parenting®.
How many times as a child were you told by your parents that you wouldnt get into as much trouble if only you would be honest and tell the truth? I think this must be a rule in Parenting 101 because almost every parent I know has uttered this inalienable truth at least once with their children. Do you remember what you heard when you were told that as a child? I do.
What I actually heard is: if you keep on lying, you are going to really get into trouble. You already lied so you are at pretty high risk of getting into serious trouble. But, if I stick to my story, then there is a possibility there will be no punishment. No one likes to be punished. So it is logical that most children will choose the path that is least likely to result in pain. This, to most children, means the lying route.
I am proposing that if you want to decrease your childs lying, then you need to say, As long as you tell me the truth, you will not be punished. This is a huge shift for many of you and you are probably asking yourself, But what if my child did something that requires punishment---something seriously against the rules? I still say remove the consequences for lying and you will more likely get the truth.
Before you come to this decision, though, you must decide whether or not you really want the truth. A few years ago, I was speaking to the mother of one of my sons friends. She was very upset that a boy had stayed at her home and slept on top of the same bed with his girlfriend. Now, this mother was aware that both the boy and girl were sleeping at her house but she did not want them to share a bed. The two disregarded her wishes but felt they were complying with the main issue by sleeping on top of the covers, fully clothed. When the mother discovered them early in the morning, still sleeping, she was livid. She called me to vent her frustration. In her ravings, she said, Well, I know I did the same thing and worse but at least I had the decency to lie to my parents! I asked her if she really preferred being lied to and she responded affirmatively.
Now, if you are a parent who would really rather not know, then this article is not for you. I am writing to those parents who want to know the real truth about what is going on with their children and who can handle the truth when presented with it, rather than feeling the urge to punish their child.
My sister-in-law came to me for advice in dealing with her 11 year-old daughter who has developed a lying habit, particularly around her school work. She tried everything. She had mentioned the universal law: If you tell me the truth, you wont get into near as much trouble as if you lie to me. My niece stuck to her story like glue. Then my sister-in-law began to take away extracurricular activities to hopefully impress upon my niece the importance of her school work. All of this was common sense but what do you think happened to the lying? It continued without impact.
When she came to me, I advised her to take away the consequences for telling the truth. She couldnt believe what I was suggesting she do. Now, I was not saying that she and my niece wouldnt have a conversation about whatever the problem was. And I wasnt saying that they wouldnt make a plan for more effective behavior in the future but there would be no consequence for telling the truth. Even though its in the beginning stages, my sister-in-law already reported improvement.
All she has to do now is remind my niece that there will no punishment if she tells the truth, and my niece has been coming clean. The advantage to this is that you, the parent, arent spending a lot of time attempting to get to the bottom of things! You dont have to play detective and go on a fact-finding mission. You get the truth up front and then you know what it is that you really need to manage.
The advantage is that you can take a collaborative approach with your child on how to do it better the next time. You can spend your time discussing what got in the way of your child being successful and how can you, together, remove those obstacles. This is so much more relationship strengthening than trying to figure out whos telling the truth and who isnt and then doling out the appropriate punishment for the lie. Wouldnt you rather put an end to lying and get at the real source of the problem?
Try it and see if it helps. But dont do it if you would prefer not knowing!