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Rethinking Time-out
Parents are often advised to put their child in time-out as a form of discipline. While this sure beats the old-fashioned method of spanking as a behavior management tool, it still presents a few problems. Not the least of which is
whos gonna make him go?
If he refuses, and you pick him up or drag him over there, havent you just resorted to controlling your child using physical force? And how much different is that, truly, from spanking?
I have a proposition for you. Instead of giving your child a time-out, take one yourself! After all, YOU are the only person whose body you can easily move. And your attention is the ultimate goal of most misbehaviors.
Imagine this scenario:
Junior konks Baby over the head with a toy.
Giving him a time-out might look like this:
MOM: Junior, go take a time-out for that.
JUNIOR: No! No! I wont go!!
MOM: Oh yes you will!
And she picks him up and spends the next 10 minutes trying to make him stay on his time-out chair in the corner, while Baby sits alone on the floor, watching.
Clever Junior just scored himself 10 minutes of his mothers undivided attention. Sure, she might be yelling and angry, but shes ALL HIS, and the intensity of her attempts to control him only make her more interesting. This is why you sometimes see a child smirk while being disciplined.
Now try this on for size:
Junior konks Baby over the head with a toy.
Mama, her voice filled with loving concern, scoops up Baby into her arms and says, Oh my goodness, Baby! I can see it is not safe for you here. Lets go play in your room for a while.
And whisks herself and Baby off to have loads of fun in his room, while leaving the instigator alone with his toys. (Of course, she must still keep an eye on Junior, so she cant go too far away.)
This time it didnt work out so well for Junior, did it? He learned that if he wants attention and company, and of course he does, then he better not hit Baby. And Mama never had to say a word to him.
Your attention is THE most powerful reinforcer in your childs world. Use it wisely! Lavish it on him when he behaves in appropriate or kind ways. And turn it to something else when he does not.
Think of your attention as a watering can sprinkle generously on behaviors and attitudes that you want to thrive, and avoid watering the weeds. Instead of yelling or giving negative attention, which is still attention, turn your focus away from your child and on to something else until he is behaving appropriately again. If other kids are impacted by his behavior, take them with you. There is always something around at any given point in time that could benefit from your attention
a sink full of dishes, the laundry, phone calls, or a good book.
The inappropriate behavior will wither away in the drought, and sprouting in its place will be attempts to gain your attention through positive means, like apologizing or making amends. When this happens, water those gestures generously with praise, smiles, eye contact, and hugs.
This means the end of lectures, yelling, fighting, and arguing with your children. Say goodbye to that sinking feeling of helplessness when you feel out of control. You ALWAYS have control of your own attention! Harness it consciously, and it will serve you well.
Besides, disciplining in this way is so much more fun for a parent than yelling! And kids shouldnt be the only ones in the family who get to have fun. You know the old saying
the family that plays together, stays together!
Copyright 2005 karen alonge
BONUS : Retro Baby Clothing
If it was cool when you were a kid, its cool for your kids!
Baby clothing is quite a bit different today than it was when you were an infant. From the designer styles of Baby Dior and Baby Phat to the bizarre offerings of the alternative baby clothing market, theres now something for every parent to adorn her children with in an effort to transfer a bit of her own personality onto her offspring. One of the latest trends in baby fashions is the retro look in baby wear.
Retro baby clothing indicates baby sized tees and Onesies that have been printed or screened with images of pop culture past. In many cases the pictures are of icons from before even the parents time, making it cool to be the most obscure. Interested parties are not likely to find these offerings at the local Wal-Mart but will instead have to order them online. Fortunately for those interested in giving their children a little piece of the past to wear on their chests, there is no shortage of those sites available.
The most complete and probably best known of these sites is The Retro Baby. Perusing the offerings of the site is like a walk down memory lane for anyone who is in their thirties or has a keen fix on the pop-culture of the 1980s. Designs available here include television references like The A Team, ALF, CHiPs, and Dallas (the Dallas print will be instantly familiar to anyone who remembers the summer that America was wondering who shot J.R.) as well as older images from shows that the parents of today watched in reruns while growing up: Barbara Eden in her silky outfit from I Dream of Jeanie and Clayton Moore in his blue Texas Ranger outfit complete with black mask from The Lone Ranger. Prices for these printed Onesies are a bit steep at $14.95 ($16.95 for toddler-sized tees) considering the baby will grow out of them completely in a few months time, but even the most stoic of thirty-somethings will have to admit that they are getting a certain dose of cool for their cash.
Retro doesnt just mean pop culture references, however. Several clothiers are offering styles that are a clear throwback to those worn by kids in the fifties, sixties, and seventies. One such company, Cakewalk Baby, offers flower print designs reminiscent of the post-hippie era of the late seventies; a time when PC meant petty cash, Elvis Presley was still with us, and no one knew what a video game or MTV was. A website called Milena Bee offers these designs and more and is definitely worth a look.
Whether you want to put stills of Bruce Lee from Enter the Dragon or flowery designs from an era gone by on your babys body, retro baby clothes may be just what you need to show the world that your baby is cooler than cool. Look hard enough and you may be able to find a tee shirt that says Im the Fonz or Frankie Say Relax.