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Love Yourself Like Your Neighbor Turn Self Criticism Into Self Confidence

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Title:
Love Yourself Like Your Neighbor: Turn Self-Criticism into Self-Confidence

Word Count:
993

Summary:
Self-confidence is an inside job! Try treating yourself as well as you treat those you love. Learn how positive self-talk can help you turn self-criticism into stepping stones to change and success.


Keywords:
self-confidence, self-esteem, self-talk, confidence, loving yourself, self encouragement, course-correction, golden rule, managing oneself, motivation, attitude


Article Body:
Self-confidence is important to all of us. In the stress literature, it's one of the characteristics of the hardy professional, the professional that remains healthy in the face of the high stress of constant change. It's important, but how do you build and maintain a viable and realistic self-confidence?

One way to look at self-worth is to see it as an inference from what you to say to yourself privately about yourself. It's estimated that you make between 300 to 400 self-evaluations per day. Unfortunately, for the majority of us, those evaluations are far from kind. Most major in self-criticism. Research suggests that for the average person 80% of their self evaluations are negative; only 20 percent are positive.

A good mistake can often be worth 45 minutes of self-whipping-"That was stupid. I can't believe I said that. And they were all watching me. They're probably going home tonight and talking about me!" If that's not bad enough, we have an old file clerk in the back of our brain that responds to our attack and goes back to check the evidence-"Just a minute, boss. Let me check the 'stupid' file here. Why yes, you are stupid! In fact, you're getting worse. This reminds me of the time you..." Most of us are good at making ourselves feel worse, not better.

Even when you do give yourself the luxury of feeling good about something you did, it seldom lasts long. We discount our successes-"I was lucky!" "It's about time; I should've done this weeks ago!" "They could've done better!" When was the last time you lost sleep over a good day? Never!

Even though self-critical, we put our best food forward publicly. We present ourselves as being 95% effective and admit making an occasional mistake to be human. You may fool others, but you don't fool yourself. When you compare what you know about yourself with everyone else's public image, you lose badly. When you major in the self-critical, you end up searching for loved ones, parents, friends, and bosses who will affirm you and make up for your own lack of self-esteem. Unfortunately, when you have to have the support of others, they control your confidence. By withholding approval they can leave you feeling less effective, less confident and more dependent.

You would not talk to others the way you talk to yourself! "You did that? You're stupid! Did anyone see you? They saw you! Do they know I know you? I mean it reminds me of the time you...." Who needs friends like that! If a manager talked to an employee the way you talk to yourself, he could file a grievance and win. You deserve the same if not better treatment than what you would give a friend. Learn to make room for your mistakes as learning experiences.

Since mistakes are a part of life in the fast lane, we need to find ways to be self-critical without majoring in self-whipping. Start by looking at criticism as course-correction data that helps us get back on track in our journey to success. The goal is not conviction or blaming; it's providing future-focused feedback that allows you to be more effective tomorrow!

Scott Adams, the Dilbert Cartoonist, put these insights into practice in dealing with a novice tennis partner: "Once at a tennis tournament, I was paired with a woman who had just learned how to play. Every time she missed a shot, she immediately turned to me, expecting that I would be disappointed or frustrated. Instead, I talked to her about our strategy for the next point. By doing so, I sent a very important message: The past doesn't matter. I didn't encourage her with empty praise-that rarely works. But I know that if she dwelled on a mistake, she was more likely to repeat it, and that if she focused on how we were going to win the next point, she was more likely to help us do just that. Over several days, her abilities improved dramatically and we ended up winning the tournament."

Treat yourself the same way. Life is like a moving vehicle with no brakes. If you spend too much time in the rearview mirror, you will hit a tree out the front window. In fact, that is why your rearview mirror is smaller than your front window. Get out of your rearview mirror and start focusing on driving to a desired future. Try letting go of the general self-attacks; use specific feedback. What did you do that you did not handle well?

Remember, it is easier to admit you made a mistake than to admit you are one. I'm not rude, but I've had moments on the freeways of Los Angeles that I'm not proud of. I know they weren't appreciated either; the other driver didn't even wave with all his fingers.

After identifying a specific mistake, focus on the future by asking two key questions: First, what can you do to rectify the problem? If any constructive action or apology could help rectify the problem, schedule a time to do just that. And secondly, and most importantly, how would you handle the same situation if it should occur again? If you have a valued colleague or friend, use them as a sounding board. If not, write down your thoughts or use these questions to help focus your self-criticism. When you've learned from the past and focused on a new strategy, get back into the game of life.

Self-confidence begins when you can learn from errors, and then move beyond them to consistently improve. Welcome to the challenge of turning your mistakes into stepping stones to making change work for you and your organization. To really make a difference add the habit of ending the day by catching yourself being effective; use your calendar to record one success. You may be winning and not know it if you're not keeping score!

Copyright © 2006 by Terry L. Paulson. All Rights Reserved


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BONUS : Low Self Esteem Solutions You Can Try

Feelings of low self worth have plagued so many individuals over the years. While there are those who suffer momentary bouts of low self esteem once in a while, how people perceive themselves and their worth is often an enduring idea. If you’re one of those who feel low self esteem far too often, you need not despair. Recognizing that you have a problem, after all, is one step in the right direction. Once you’ve recognized the fact that how little you value yourself is problematic, there are some low self esteem solutions that can help you in the process of beginning to develop greater love for yourself and appreciation for who you are.

First order of business, of course, is to recognize if you are simply having a chain of bad days or weeks, or are suffering from genuine feelings of low self worth. Some symptoms include withdrawing one’s self from the rest of the world, seeking to please other people at one’s own expense, feeling unhappy about one’s body and appearance (which can lead to some eating disorders), and neglecting one’s self. You may also worry a lot about what others say but put little importance on what you have to say. You may be expecting too little from yourself despite imposing impossible standards of perfection at the same time.

If these are the cocktail of feelings that you often suffer from, then the first step is to seek professional help. This is because trained professional therapists can provide an excellent avenue through which you can re-evaluate whatever negative feelings and opinions you have about yourself. This is the first step towards self acceptance and recognizing your worth as a person.

While you are working towards building your own self esteem slowly with a therapist, you will also benefit from trying to actively make choices in your various activities to inculcate a habit of self love. For instance, for every successful activity that you partake in, give yourself due credit. Make this recognition of your contribution to the cause more material by rewarding yourself. Have you scored well in an exam? Buy something you like, or eat somewhere nice to reward yourself for a job well done.

Next, eat healthy, workout, and sleep well. Keeping a healthy lifestyle is a good step in order to begin appreciating one’s body, as it is one of the steps through which you are able to gain greater appreciation of yourself. You need not be displeased about how you look, because of the fact that you are very much aware that you are taking care of yourself very well. You will also find that eating healthy, sleeping well, and working out will contribute to your having enough energy to participate better in your activities and to simply enjoy whatever happens during the day.

Whenever people ask a favour from you, first consider if this favour will involve putting other people before your needs. You need to actively ensure that your needs are first met before you go around helping other people out. This will help you recognize that while other people are important, you deserve the same attention that you shower on other people.

One of the best low self esteem solutions is to participate in activities that you like. In the process, you may discover some talent that you were unable to devote yourself to previously. Dancing, art, music, or sports can help you find a niche of specialization, as well as an avenue for self-expression.
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