The Dating Scene Signs Of A Promising Relationship

The Dating Scene - Signs Of A Promising Relationship

Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn’t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn’t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.

In Celine’s last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary’s ardent pursuit of her. She had wanted to go slower but didn’t listen to herself. Instead, she gave herself up to Gary’s attention and compliments.

“Celine, my experience with men who come on strong right away is that they are often controlling and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?”

“Yes. He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time and attention. He became critical and angry and petulant when I didn’t give him what he wanted. How could I have known all this at the beginning? What should I look for now that I’m dating again?”

Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark. After this first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and go on a trip with her.

“Shades of Gary,” she said. “This is a red flag, right?”

Celine and I explored some of the red flags as well as some of the signs of a promising relationship.

SOME RED FLAGS

• Comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship.

• Becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no.

• Becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. Tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position.

• Talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn’t ask you much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.

• An older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships.

• Numerous broken marriages.

• Has an abusive background and has not had therapy.

• Has abandoned his or her children.

• Not open to learning from relationship conflict.

• Participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you – smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV, and so on.

• Financially irresponsible.

• Not truthful.

• Has few friends.

• Judgmental of self and others. Talks about self and others in disparaging ways.

• Is possessive and jealous. Gets upset when you do your own thing.

• Totally different views from yours regarding religion and/or spirituality.

• Few interests and hobbies.

Celine and I discussed the fact that you get what you see.

“It’s not that people can’t change,” I told her, “but you can’t change them. If he is not okay with you the way he is right now, then don’t pursue the relationship. If you are an on time person and heis always late, don’t expect this to change. If it’s not okay, then don’t pursue the relationship. Same thing with weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender or being frugal. These issues can become huge problems in relationships because people expect them to change and get very upset when they don’t.”

SOME SIGNS OF A PROMISING RELATIONSHIP

• Shows respect for your feelings and needs, even when they are different from his or her feelings and needs.

• Is able to be empathic and compassionate.

• Is interested in what you have to say and in learning about you.

• Is accepting of self and others – non-judgmental.

• Is open to exploring conflict and differences of opinion.

• Does what he or she says he or she will do.

• Cares about being responsible for children from a broken marriage – has not abandoned his or her children.

• Takes responsibility for his or her own feelings, health and well bring. Does not make you responsible for his or her feelings.

• Is financially responsible. Does not expect you to take care of him or her financially.

• If divorced, takes responsibility for his or her part of the difficulties.

• A person who was in a loving relationship and lost their mate to death. People who have been in loving relationships generally know how to have loving relationships.

• Has friends that you like.

• Talks about others in caring and supportive ways.

• Has interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to him or her.

• Similar religious or spiritual path to yours.

• Is supportive of you doing what brings you joy. Feels joy for your joy and pain for your pain.

• Can laugh at mistakes. Has a good sense of humor.

• Has balance between work and play. Knows how to work hard and how to have fun.

Before you can find the “right” person, you need to become the right person. Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions above for a promising relationship is the first step in finding a loving relationship.

BONUS : The Detailed Profile For Online Daters

The dating scene has been changing pretty quickly. There are now lots and lots of new ways for people to date. There are some things such as speed dating and online dating that could have been only imagined by our ancestors.

I bet if you explain it to some older people, they will seem skeptical on how a person can meet someone without meeting him or her personally. Fortunately for us newer generations, the internet has been a great way to do so.

The internet has given very busy people who get stuck in the office still find a date. The busy employee can sneak in once in awhile to go to dating websites while working. The employee can then click some one else’s profile to leave a message.

The problem is, how can that person you left a notice probably get some interest in you? How can that person see if you both have some little similarities before deciding to go out on a date? This article will help give you an idea what to put into your profile for the other party to compare with her interests.

The first thing that you should right in your profile is what you do. This is a basic, because even if we talk to someone, this is what people usually ask. Try to right what your previous jobs and aspirations are. Remember that you are writing a profile, not a resume.

If you have kids, it is important for the other party to know. This will help the other party know how to adjust about the kids. When describing your kids try to tell their ages and if they still live with you. Kids are usually a great way to build some commonness for both dating single parents online.

If you have been a person who has been transferring a lot try to write it down. There are lots of people who love to travel who will catch your drift. It will also attract attention of people who currently live at places you used to live. If you lived in a foreign country, the better it is. People will be interested about your culture to the point that you’ll feel being interrogated.

If you have just currently transferred mention it. You can score some brownie points here. There will be kind people who will be willing to tour you around. If you are a really sneaky person, you can lie that you transferred recently.

If you are a foreigner, try to mention your foreign genealogy and language. People will try to make something out of it. The Irish person may force you to believe him or her that he or she really has Iranian bloodlines too.

Talk about the things you love to do to and your social life a bit. You can try to be witty and creative here. I.e. if you’re a very masculine guy “I love purchasing pink purses.”

In your profile you should also learn to write what you are looking for properly. This will help you screen out of people who are interested at you but have got no chance by your standards.

Be clear about what you want with your partner. If you think that smoking bothers you, say that you’re not looking for a smoking guy. Be clear however, because some people might think smoking as a very hot or adorable person. When you write that, the adorable ones may not write to you.

The most important thing is that you should mention if you are looking for a steady relationship, just a friend or a fling.