The Dating Box

The Dating Box

Whether you are actively dating or just getting back into dating, it is a world full of possibilities. However, most of us are creatures of habit and our patterns keep us in a dating box, searching for and dating the same types over and over.

Making contact online, you first have to find people that interest you by searching the dating website’s membership. Online the dating box is literal, as you have to fill in web forms to find potential dates. Most dating sites give you two ways to search – quick or advanced. Quick searches are just that – they’re small web forms that let you search based on just a few criteria, like location or age. Advanced searches are larger web forms that let you search using lots of more specific criteria, like hair color, eye color, education, body type and more.

Just remember that the more criteria that you use for your searches, the fewer results you’ll get. Searches are unforgiving – they’ll return exactly what you ask for. We call them “harsh numbers”. When you choose an age range of, let’s say, 30-39, the person who just turned 40 will not show up in the search results. If you want to find someone with light brown hair, those great dark brown haired people…like me…will be cast aside.

Also, many sites let you use keywords as part of the search criteria. This allows a search for words in a member’s profile that match your areas of interest. You can search specifically for words like “tennis”, “skiing”, or something else. This lets you be super-specific if you wish.

Although you want to find someone that attracts you and that you share things in common, don’t limit yourself to what you think is “your type”. After all, the “type” that you have gone for in the past might have not worked out. Think “outside your box”. What we often think is “our type” is the same person we have been chasing unsuccessfully, through one bad relationship after another, our whole life. Even if your type was a successful relationship in the past, you cannot repeat a relationship you once had with someone new. Unless you date outside your box you will never know if maybe someone different just might be your “type.”

When going over your wants, there is the numbers trap that we need to watch out for as well. Offline we often use the expression, “numbers don’t lie.” However the new culture of online dating, numbers often do lie.

For instance the harsh numbers of weight, height and age when in black and white may make a person appear unattractive to you online, who you would find very attractive offline.

When we meet people in person we don’t say,
How old are you?
How much do you weigh?
How tall are you?
How much money do you make?

In person someone may carry his or her height, weight or age off in a very attractive manner. But when you look at the numbers online you think too old, too heavy, too short, too tall etc and that simply may not be the case. You have the right to want what you want, but I tell you this so that you can allow yourself to look past the numbers and be more open.

If you’re not finding people that fit, try expanding your horizons. You are not making any long-term commitment when meeting people, so be open and meet more people and who you fall for might surprise you. So get out of your dating box and don’t restrict yourself. Allow the incredible opportunity of online dating to work for you. Contact and meet a lot of people and leave yourself open to the possibilities…

BONUS : The Dating-game: Rules For Fixing Up Friends

We all know how great it feels to find the mate of your dreams and sharing your life and all its special moments with someone special that we can’t wait to share our good news and our good "fortune" with others.

In fact, we can't wait for all our friends to share in the same happiness we've found and frequently can't help playing the "Good Samaritan" or should I say Cupid.

But playing matchmaker for someone or someones you care about can be a risky challenge, especially if things don't work out (as planned).

1. Define Your Motives: Ask yourself "why" you want to set the couple up. Do you really think they’d be a good match or is it that you want to keep your girlfriend around for company (but she doesn't feel comfortable as the "third wheel") or that you secretly have an attraction to the guy/gal and want a convenient way of keeping them frequently hanging around.

2. Use Their Judgment NOT (necessarily) Yours: Before introducing your two associates or friends, put yourself inside their minds and shoes. Determine beforehand and before getting either of their hopes up if THEY will feel they are compatible. Do they like the same things, do you think they'll be physically attracted to one another, do they have the same set of ethics or sense of humor. While nothing is "perfect", you should at least get a good sense about their compatibility.

3. Keep Some Things To Yourself: Allow for some "intrigue" and "mystery" and eliminate any potential for "negativity". While it's important to be specific about some things, like the fact that your friend is a vegetarian or that he's short and has an earring, there's no need to reveal intimate details that may damage their chances before they have a chance to meet.

4. Offer Your Support: Whether you suggest hosting a dinner or having you and your date or mate join then to ease the tension and break the ice, let each know you are there "IF" they want you to be. But, if they are more comfortable on their own, respect their wishes. Remember, your enthusiasm combined with your presence may only serve to make the situation more tense and awkward.

5. Call It A Night: If you "do" join your friends and things (seem) to be going well, know that after dinner is your cue to leave. After all, three can be a crowd. And, remember, once you do your part let "nature" takes it's course, so avoid acting as the go-between.

6. Be Prepared: Chances are you are more excited about this than either of your friends. In fact, unless they already know and have hinted at liking each other, they are entering the date with caution and trepidation. Expect things NOT to work out, and if they do you'll be in for a pleasant surprise. And, don't forget to NOT let this affect your efforts or your relationship with either of them.