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Overcoming Rejection
now that I am have swum a few laps in the online dating pool, I am cogitating another one of Karen's crackpot theories of life. it's about rejection. or not hitting it off. or not being compatible. or refusing to compromise. which could all be the same thing, more or less, depending on how you look at it. anyway, here's my theory:
it seems to me that the intensity of the reaction a person has to a 'rejection' is inversely proportional to the trust they have in their concept of a higher power. stay with me one this one ... I think I can link it all up so it makes sense.
let's say a person has little belief in anything more perceptive, orderly, or organized than himself. he does not pray or surrender or feel his connection to any type of creator/source/deeper order/life force. he relies only upon his thinking for guidance, and does not believe in any type of bigger picture than what he can perceive with his five senses.
when a person with that consciousness thinks he has met his one and only, but she does not share his perception, then everything goes out of whack in his world. his life feels wrong, like it is departing from its path. he tries to reason with her, to convince her that she should stay, that she is making a mistake, because without her, his life seems empty.
she may consider their plight to be a simple case of incompatibility in some important area, but he perceives a personal rejection, and feels as if there is something wrong with him that he needs to fix. I cannot imagine a more powerless and helpless position to be in than feeling like there is something wrong with you that will keep you from ever having what you want, and not knowing how or being able to force yourself to fix it.
by contrast, let's look in on a person of faith, be it religious, spiritual, or contemplative/experiential. when she gets the memo that a new prospect does not feel the same kind of potential for a healthy and growing partnership that she does, her reaction happens on a different level.
she may feel some grief or sadness, but she does not perceive his opinion as a statement of judgment about who she is. she does not go on a campaign to woo him back. she does not start a self-improvement campaign to fix all her flaws. she simply accepts that her time with him was brief, and her trust in a higher power allows her to relax, because she does not feel that she is at the wheel and took a wrong turn and had better get herself and him back on track.
she trusts that the partner she is seeking will not require convincing. she surrenders to the bigger plan, knowing she may only have the capacity to see a step or two ahead of where she is, but never doubting that she will arrive at her destination. aware of the comforting and continuous presence of her inner guide, she does not feel alone, abandoned, or out of place. she lets go, and allows herself to experience her emotional response to the loss, and then moves on.
so if I was going to give any advice to my fellow swimmers, it would be this: focus more of your energy on cultivating a relationship with a higher power bigger than your mind and senses, and less of your energy on finding your perfect match. then you can marvel in the graciousness of letting people come and go from your life, as they are wired to do, and you will feel the freedom to do the same.
copyright 2006 karen alonge
BONUS : Overcoming Shyness With The Opposite Sex - Tell Me More
Are you of a timid nature when it comes down to meeting the opposite sex, does your shyness prevent you going a step further at the introduction of your possible first date.
There are ways to rid obstacles which are stopping you moving forward in overcoming shyness with the opposite sex. A good way to start is to face up to your self. If an opportunity arises where interest is shown towards you then do something fast you maybe letting your future husband or wife slip through your fingers all because of the world of silence that holds you hostage
If you want to make it possible to handle situations that involves your presence in company then so be it. Practice being another person to overcome your shyness. This person can be a famous film star or Joe Bloggs from next door. By imitating the habits of others may help you break the barrier that is holding you back. Just remember that if and when contact comes between you and the opposite sex you have to end the pretence.
Face up to your fears by interrogating your self by asking questions as to why you are shy. The first step is to build up confidence and by doing this you may just claim self satisfaction in being able to put yourself out there and mingle with the rest. There is a lot of help and guidance out there in the way of books to help with your confidence building to overcome your shyness around the opposite sex.
Positive thinking on your part will be beneficial when asking for a date or how to handle the date you are with. Confidence is the sure way to abolish shyness.
Start to change a few things about your self to boost your self worth, how about considering a new image where hairstyles and clothes are replaced. This alone will give a great satisfying feeling before you go out on the pull - so as to speak.
Conversation plays an important role when trying to attract the opposite sex - make what ever you have to say interesting or better still let your partner do the talking. Great listeners become great companions down the line.
Shyness is a powerful force that can turn your whole life upside down by not allowing you to say what you feel or do what you want to do. Well it is time to put a stop to that whether it be pulling the opposite sex or just getting on with your life.
Life is all about challenges so why not challenge yourself to a duel with the perpetrator who is holding you back - who might that be you ask. YOU OF COURSE.
Have you ever wanted to say to some one how stunning they look or that you found them very attractive? Remember the challenge factor go out and express these sayings to a stranger if need be and watch there actions - maybe a little startled at first but warmly welcoming your compliment. So remember the familiar face you have been attracted to for some time will gladly listen to what you have to say. Everyone loves to be complimented.
If rejection is behind your fear of coming forward then hold up - surely you have experienced rejection in other departments so what is the difference. If your brother/sister says you can not lend this or that - or the boss says no to extra holiday pay. These are all rejection matters so if you can handle them - then surely being turned down by the opposite sex shouldn't matter.
The opposite sex to whom you are attracted too may also be shy - so it is up to you to take control and make the first move. Another way of overcoming your shyness is to admit it right from the beginning. Explain that you are not comfortable with the direct brash approach - and by doing this the person opposite you will have insight to the honest person who they are about to date.
If you feel you are not quite ready to do the talking then call in the Matckmaking agency to do the talking for you.
Are you of a timid nature when it comes down to meeting the opposite sex, does your shyness prevent you going a step further at the introduction of your possible first date.
There are ways to rid obstacles which are stopping you moving forward in overcoming shyness with the opposite sex. A good way to start is to face up to your self. If an opportunity arises where interest is shown towards you then do something fast you maybe letting your future husband or wife slip through your fingers all because of the world of silence that holds you hostage
If you want to make it possible to handle situations that involves your presence in company then so be it. Practice being another person to overcome your shyness. This person can be a famous film star or Joe Bloggs from next door. By imitating the habits of others may help you break the barrier that is holding you back. Just remember that if and when contact comes between you and the opposite sex you have to end the pretence.
Face up to your fears by interrogating your self by asking questions as to why you are shy. The first step is to build up confidence and by doing this you may just claim self satisfaction in being able to put yourself out there and mingle with the rest. There is a lot of help and guidance out there in the way of books to help with your confidence building to overcome your shyness around the opposite sex.
Positive thinking on your part will be beneficial when asking for a date or how to handle the date you are with. Confidence is the sure way to abolish shyness.
Start to change a few things about your self to boost your self worth, how about considering a new image where hairstyles and clothes are replaced. This alone will give a great satisfying feeling before you go out on the pull - so as to speak.
Conversation plays an important role when trying to attract the opposite sex - make what ever you have to say interesting or better still let your partner do the talking. Great listeners become great companions down the line.
Shyness is a powerful force that can turn your whole life upside down by not allowing you to say what you feel or do what you want to do. Well it is time to put a stop to that whether it be pulling the opposite sex or just getting on with your life.
Life is all about challenges so why not challenge yourself to a duel with the perpetrator who is holding you back - who might that be you ask. YOU OF COURSE.
Have you ever wanted to say to some one how stunning they look or that you found them very attractive? Remember the challenge factor go out and express these sayings to a stranger if need be and watch there actions - maybe a little startled at first but warmly welcoming your compliment. So remember the familiar face you have been attracted to for some time will gladly listen to what you have to say. Everyone loves to be complimented.
If rejection is behind your fear of coming forward then hold up - surely you have experienced rejection in other departments so what is the difference. If your brother/sister says you can not lend this or that - or the boss says no to extra holiday pay. These are all rejection matters so if you can handle them - then surely being turned down by the opposite sex shouldn't matter.
The opposite sex to whom you are attracted too may also be shy - so it is up to you to take control and make the first move. Another way of overcoming your shyness is to admit it right from the beginning. Explain that you are not comfortable with the direct brash approach - and by doing this the person opposite you will have insight to the honest person who they are about to date.
If you feel you are not quite ready to do the talking then call in the Matckmaking agency to do the talking for you.
